Forgiveness Can Free You From the Past
When you think about forgiveness, what images come to mind? For some people, the idea of forgiving another for a past wrong is the equivalent of letting someone get away with something bad. However, when we hold onto resentment about behaviors that occurred in the past, it really is only ourselves that we are harming—not the other person.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are simply forgetting that a wrong has been done nor does it mean that what the person did was okay. It is more about freeing yourself from the weight of the negative feelings that the past incident incited.
Research suggests that we are motivated by an intrinsic desire to forgive others due to external factors as well as potential internal needs. If someone may be important to us in the present or potentially in the future, we may want to offer forgiveness if they wrong us to ensure that the relationship is maintained. We also have an easier time forgiving those who we feel may have wronged us unintentionally. In some relationships, we may look for reasons to forgive someone if the threat of a lost relationship poses a significant risk to our wellbeing. Forgiving a significant other for a significant transgression may actually be integral to securing our wellbeing across multiple domains from financial to emotional to physical to familial.
Righting Wrongs Isn’t Always Possible
Unfortunately, the problem with harboring bitterness due to past incidents is that we’re allowing someone who has wronged us in the past to continue to exert negative control over our lives into the present and the future.
Research shows that carrying negative feelings, such as bitterness and unforgiveness, negatively impacts our physical health. It’s as if the emotional burden weighs down our hearts in a physical way that can raise our blood pressure and heart rate, increase our risk of metabolic illness, and increase risk of obesity. Harboring and ruminating on prior wrongs can keep our bodies in a state of stress and keep the cortisol, or stress hormone, circulating.
Some people feel vindicated in holding onto anger—as if their anger is doing harm or punishing another person. However, the decision to keep the flame of resentment burning is only going to do harm to the person who refuses to let go of their negative feelings for the other. No matter how “right” you feel in continuing to identify as the “wronged” party, you are keeping yourself from living more fully in the present and moving more freely into the future. Refusing to let go of unforgiveness is going to keep you locked in the past and it reflects what you are doing to yourself in the present.
How to Move Towards Forgiveness
Accept that the incident happened. As much as we might like to, we can never undo the past.
Accept not only that an incident occurred but accept that there are unpleasant feelings that were left in its wake. It’s okay to have been angered or hurt, but it’s not in your best interest to carry these feelings as a lifelong commitment to self-determined suffering.
Acknowledge that there is more to be gained in taking control of your emotions in the present than in allowing the past to continue to control you today.
Choose to either address the incident head-on by having an honest conversation with the person who you feel wronged you or to simply let the incident go and focus on the present and the people who matter to you now.
Move into a space of forgiveness, which is more about letting go of unforgiveness (bitterness and resentment towards the other).
The word “unforgiving” is used to describe people or processes that do not allow for error or weakness. Conversely, if someone or some process if “forgiving,” it’s assumed that there is room for error or the absence of strict penalties if a particular mark is not met dead-on. So, if these construct definitions are used to describe the act of forgiving or unforgiving, it stands to reason that moving from a place of unforgiveness towards another might be more about acknowledging that another has erred or wronged you and accepting that this unfortunate event can—and did—happen.
Learning to forgive others can take some time to learn. Research suggests that as we mature, we are more able to allow for forgiveness and to accept the shortcomings of others. The health benefits of choosing to let things go include decreased stress on our bodies and minds and decreased anger showing up in inappropriate ways or in levels that aren’t equivalent to a situation. Less anger and less stress are going to result in a better quality of life and improved relationships with the people in your life who matter now.
Forgiveness can be a gift you give yourself by offering it to others.