Giving Thanks When You’re Not Feeling It
2020 has been a beast, and instead of being celebratory, Thanksgiving 2020 may feel heavy with loneliness, worry, and loss. COVID-19 has touched all of us. If we haven’t been sick or lost a loved one ourselves, there’s a good chance someone close to us has. If we haven’t faced a significant loss of income because of the recession, we surely know others who are struggling mightily. We’re likely separated from beloved family members this Thanksgiving, too. And 2020 isn’t just the year of COVID; it’s also the year of climate change disasters and societal and political upheavals that are causing great stress and strife, even as they raise critically important awareness.
Giving thanks on Thanksgiving may feel like a stretch.
Before I launch into my suggestions for giving thanks amidst so much pain, I’d like to share my own fraught relationship with this holiday. Thanksgiving is a struggle for me every year. Because the holiday is based on a story that erases the injustices perpetrated on the indigenous people of this land, I not only feel conflicted, but also angry, frustrated, and sad on Thanksgiving. I do not like being complicit through celebration or pretending that America hasn’t perpetrated genocide.
I’m also sad because this holiday—often called “Turkey Day”—results in the horrific treatment and slaughter of more than 45 million sentient birds. Turkeys are gentle animals whom we brutalize, confine, and mutilate in ways that would be illegal if perpetrated on a pet bird. Knowing that tens of millions of animals are treated so cruelly and then slaughtered for a single day makes me want to weep.
Despite how conflicted I feel about this holiday in general, and how sad I feel that this is the first year I will not be with my son on Thanksgiving, the call to give thanks is powerful. And it occurs to me that whatever our circumstances, taking time to self reflect on what we’ve received might be very good medicine, especially during trying times.
There’s a Japanese form of self-reflection called Naikan in which practitioners reflect on three questions:
What have I given ______________?
What have I received from ___________?
What troubles or difficulties have I caused __________?
Try it out. Give yourself some time to really introspect as you fill in the blank.
You can start with an individual in your life, such as a family member, co-worker, or friend. It can be particularly helpful if you choose someone who is difficult for you in some way. Then you might fill in the blank with people working essential jobs at grocery stores, as first responders, in hospitals, delivering your packages, or producing the food you eat. And circling back to the origins of this holiday, given the harm the U.S. has caused indigenous people, consider filling in the blank with Indigenous Americans.
You might also try filling in the blank with aspects of nature, such as soil, water, air, trees, and wildlife, as well as those animals you may be consuming or with whom you share your life.
You can even ask the Naikan questions about your day, diving as deeply as possible to consider all that you have received (including the ability to read essays at Psychology Today’s website free of charge on devices that connect you to the collective knowledge of humanity).
Naikan offers a way to take stock and do an accounting of oneself and one’s life. When I do Naikan and think about all I have received in a single day the list is long. I might notice that I’ve received:
a temperature-controlled home in a beautiful part of the world where I am largely safe and have significant freedoms
indoor plumbing, hot water, and electricity
varied and delicious food that I did not have to grow or forage for, which is kept fresh in a refrigerator
comfortable furniture on which to sit, work, and sleep
clothing that so many others played a part in producing and transporting
eye drops to keep my glaucoma at bay
daily calls from my son, including FaceTime so that I get to see him even during COVID-19
unconditional, effusive, laughter- and joy-inducing love from my dogs
clean air to breathe
clean and uncontaminated water to drink, plus all sorts of other tasty beverages should I tire of “just” water
news from journalists keeping me abreast of information that’s helpful and important to know so that I can take meaningful action and make informed decisions
a shoulder massage from my husband
The list could go on and on.
As I assess what I have given, my list is usually shorter. Perhaps I have given you something of value in this essay. My work at the Institute for Humane Education may have helped others (I certainly hope so). I prepared dinner for my husband (though I ate it, too, and he did the dishes). I walked our dogs (that was fun for me as well). I fed our cat and put seed out for the wild birds. It’s not that I’ve been terribly miserly in contributing, it’s just that what I’ve given rarely compares in quantity or quality to the bounty I’ve received from so many others.
As for difficulties, the temperature-controlled home in which I live burns oil, which is contributing to climate change. The electricity I use comes only partially from renewables. That’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the resource depletion and pollution my daily life causes. And I participate in so many systems that contribute to inequities, many of which I only come to understand when I take the time to reflect. And then there were the dishes I used during the day that I left in the sink for my husband to clean after dinner…. Whether big things or small things, Naikan helps me to notice the troubles I cause, often unwittingly. As you may have noticed, there is no Naikan question about the troubles and difficulties others are causing us. That’s because Naikan is meant to be a corrective to the common habit of focusing on what’s not working or to our liking.
Doing Naikan during a time of great challenge might seem counter-intuitive. If we are struggling already, why indulge in introspection that has the potential to make us feel self-critical? Yet my experience of Naikan is wholly positive. Yes, I may come to observe ways in which I have caused harm, but those insights offer me the opportunity to do better, live more kindly, and make amends when I recognize times I’ve hurt others. Self-awareness is always a good thing. Naikan also helps me recognize the many things for which I am grateful, which I may not have noticed if I didn’t take the time to enumerate them through this simple practice.
Thanksgiving during this pandemic may be the perfect time to pay close attention to what we’ve received, what we’ve given, and the difficulties we’ve caused. Practicing Naikan can release us from some of the suffering we’ve been enduring by turning our attention to more heightened feelings of gratitude. We may experience some welcome peace as we notice what can coexist side by side: bad and good, sorrow and joy, loss and love. Naikan won’t make our suffering go away, but it will likely illuminate relationships, gifts, and important truths that may have been eclipsed during these hard times. That may be just what we need this Thanksgiving.
By Zoe Weil