Do’s and Don’ts of Self-Compassion
Compassion, which literally means, "to suffer with," is sympathy for the hurt or hardship of others, with a motivation to help. Self-compassion is sympathy for one’s own hardship or suffering, with a motivation to heal, improve, repair.
Both self-compassion and compassion for others require sensitivity to the suffering that lurks beneath the symptoms and defenses that often mask it. The most common masks of suffering are resentment, anger, addictions, and compulsions.
People low in self-compassion tend to get irritated or defensive at the mere mention of compassion for others and are often offended when others show compassion to them. When they think they are being compassionate, they come off as manipulative (trying to get something in return) or morally superior, both of which elicit negative response. They get confused because compassion and self-compassion are really intertwined. You cannot sustain compassion for others without self-compassion nor can you have self-compassion, when cut off from basic humane values. Without self-compassion, compassion for others can seem boundless and overwhelming. Without compassion for others, self-compassion turns to self-obsession.
Based on the interconnectedness of the two forms of compassion, I suggest the following do’s and don’ts.
Respect for self and others
do treat yourself and everyone else with respect
don’t ridicule yourself or anyone
do listen to your heart and choose behaviors in your short and long term best interests
don’t ignore the best interests of those affected by your behavior
do appreciate the uniqueness of yourself and others
don’t compare people
do appreciate deeper commonalties with all people
don’t look to exclude yourself or others from essential humanity
do listen to others
don’t model behavior you don't want from others
do reflect
don’t react
do talk
don’t yell, scream, or lecture
Regulation of impulses, emotions
do consider the consequences of acting on impulse
don’t punish yourself about possible consequences
do hold other people’s perspectives alongside your own
don’t get locked in the solitary confinement of your own perspective
do express deeper feelings
don’t express symptoms and defenses
do be flexible
don’t be rigid or wishy washy
do empower the self and others
don’t engage in power struggles
do describe your experience and problems accurately
don’t exaggerate or minimize
do show interest in others
don't diagnose them (makes you feel superior, not humane)
do appreciate specific effort or behavior
don’t praise the self or others in general
do teach yourself how to do better
don’t shame or humiliate yourself or others for mistakes
do consider how you can prevent mistakes in the future
don’t punish past mistakes
do enhance your strengths
don’t focus on your weaknesses
Solution finding
do stay focused on solutions
don’t blame self or others
do consider alternative solutions
don’t suppose there is only one right way to solve problems
o brainstorm possible solutions
don’t dismiss ideas out of hand
The milk of human kindness and wisdom
do maintain core value (ability to create value and meaning in life)
don’t limp over core hurts
do continually strive to heal core hurts
don’t punish yourself or others for having them
do accept yourself and others, even though there are things you want to change
don’t reject yourself or others because of the things you want to change