Having Good Boundaries

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Relationships are important, and they bring meaning and purpose to our lives. They can also be difficult, painful, and hard to maintain. Establishing good boundaries with the people in your life is the best strategy for sustaining healthy relationships. Boundaries can improve your mental health by easing the strain in relationships and increasing your resiliency.

Limiting your availability

The most important boundary to maintaining your mental health is not allowing yourself to be constantly available to others. Texts, phone calls, and emails cannot always be instantly returned. You may not be able to have a prolonged conversation with someone at the moment they would like to have it. You can’t always accept invitations.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t care about people or want to spend time with them. It means that you may be tired, or that you may need time to yourself. You have to shift priorities sometimes, and not everyone can be your number one priority at the same time. Trying to please everyone all of the time drains you of strength.

When others react to your boundaries

Along with setting boundaries, you have to realize that you cannot control others’ reactions when you do so. Some people are not used to having boundaries with others, so they may respond in surprise or frustration. This doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. Help them understand why you can’t be constantly available, or why you cannot agree to all of their requests. While you can do your best to make it clear to them that you care about them and explain that the boundaries are necessary for your own stability, they may interpret your decision differently and become angry. You will then have to stick to your boundaries and tolerate their emotional reaction. Relationships worth sustaining are ones in which people accept each other‘s boundaries. So give them some time to adjust and know that their ultimate behavior is not your responsibility.

The healthiest boundaries are permeable, which means that sometimes you can extend your limitations under extenuating circumstances. You can make more time for people even when it’s less convenient for you, and they can offer the same to you in a time of crisis, but neither party in the relationship should expect that flexibility all of the time. Ultimately, the relationships that we want to maintain are ones where people accept our boundaries and have healthy boundaries of their own.

Carla Shuman, Ph.D.