11 Ways to Function Better When You're Stressed
Increased irritability and frustration, easily hurt feelings, flaring tempers, and inability to move on are common these days.
Research tells us that soothing painful emotions can improve our work and home life by making us better problem-solvers.
Drawing up a list of ways to soothe yourself can help in the heat of the moment, when you can't think of anything to do.
Laurie* was upset—sad, angry, frustrated, and hurt. Her boss had praised a colleague and ignored her, even though they had both been equal members of the team that had done the project. “I get why I’m upset,” she said, “but usually I roll with these things. Next time I’ll get the credit. But I just keep revisiting it in my head, and it’s making it hard for me to get my other work done.”
“I took my first post-pandemic flight,” Alba* said. “I was really nervous about flying. And then I sat next to a couple who were practically having sex in their seats. And across the aisle was a little kid that didn’t stop yelling the whole trip. These things don’t usually bother me so much. Normally I’d put on my headset, listen to a good book on tape, and ignore all the noise around me. But this time I couldn’t focus on my book, and by the time I got to my destination, I was ready to climb the walls.”
Chad* was on a walk on one of the first warm spring days this year. “A guy was walking his dog in front of me,” he told me. “Well, he was walking with the dog, which was off-leash—illegally in that part of the park. The dog did his thing, right in the middle of the path, and the guy didn’t stop to clean it up. There are signs everywhere to clean up after your dog—there are even plastic baggie dispensers all over the park—so what would have been so hard about doing the right thing?” Although the incident had occurred several days earlier, Chad had not been able to let it go. He was still irritated, and his irritability was bleeding over into his work. “I can’t concentrate on anything else except that guy. I need to stop renting him space in my brain so that I can focus on my work,” he said.
It’s been a hard year for almost everyone, although unquestionably harder for some than others. But even as we can see a light at the end of the tunnel, although with some painful interruptions in the progress toward that light, tensions seem to be increasing, emotions are heightened, and many of us are feeling anxious, irritable, and unhappy.
Although the irritants were different, what Chad, Alba, and Laurie shared was a feeling that they were stuck in their discomfort, helpless to change the situation, and helpless to get over their feelings. This helplessness is part of what author Adam Grant describes as “languishing” in a recent NY Times article. Grant talks about a “dulling of delight” and a “dwindling of drive.” This is not quite depression, but it is not happiness.
But the dulling of pleasure is only part of the problem. Increased irritability and frustration, easily hurt feelings, flaring tempers, and an inability to move on are so common that they are almost the norm these days. As one client put it to me recently, “It’s like all of my nerve endings are inflamed and irritated.”
These feelings and behaviors can be signals that we’re having difficulty regulating our emotions, or affects, as they’re called in psychological terms. And troubles with affect-regulation can mean difficulties working and living productively.
What is emotion regulation?
Research has shown that our lives are full of both positive and negative emotions. Any activity you use to soothe yourself is a way of regulating your emotions. Some of these behaviors are so automatic that you might not realize that’s what you’re doing. For instance, when you listen to a podcast that you know makes you laugh, you might be “up-regulating”—that is, giving yourself an emotional boost. Or when you call a friend when you’re feeling down or stressed, you are very likely hoping that conversation will lift your spirits or ease your stress; but you might not even realize that was what you were doing.
In times of ongoing stress, as we have all faced this past year, it can be much harder to regulate or soothe emotions; yet at the same time, it can be much more important to do so. It can be helpful to draw up and keep on your phone or computer a list of possible activities to draw from, since it’s harder to come up with solutions in the middle of an emotion-storm.
Here are some ideas, but they’re just ideas. Use them to pull together your own list. Be sure to ask yourself what you normally do to reset your feelings, and put those activities on your list, too. Obviously, not all of these activities can be done easily anytime you’re upset, which is why it’s a good idea to have a number of different possibilities.
11 self-regulating or self-soothing techniques to try
Listen to a podcast or music.
Read—a book, a magazine, an article, or something that engages and interests you.
Get outside, even if it’s just for a short time.
Exercise, but don’t worry about “working out,” unless that’s something you enjoy and know will make you feel good. A short and slow-moving walk, a gentle yoga class, a quiet bike ride can all relax you, make you feel less stressed, and even help you feel happier.
Work in a garden (if you live in an apartment, get some soil, a pot, and some seeds, and start growing something).
Contact someone who you will enjoy talking to—a friend, relative, sibling, colleague. Don’t, however, contact someone who will bring you down.
Get something to eat—yes, sometimes eating is comforting, and that’s not always a bad thing!
Do something nice for someone else.
Take a shower or bubble bath.
Clean a small part of your space—just be sure you don’t take on a project that will make you feel worse about yourself!
Write about your thoughts, feelings, and the experience, although be careful not to put what you've written on social media or in an email till you have processed all of the possible consequences of doing so. Journaling can be a perfect alternative. I’ve written here before about how journaling can help you manage your feelings.
Some things to remember: Not all calming methods work for everyone. Use those that do work for you, and discard or ignore those that don’t. Self-soothing can sometimes be difficult, especially if you’re not used to allowing yourself to do it, but it should not painful or self-destructive. The point, remember, is to do something to make yourself feel better, not worse.