Prioritizing Gratitude at Christmas
Let's be honest. Christmas gift exchanges can quickly turn into moments of disappointment and envy. Whether it is an exchange among friends or a Christmas morning frenzy among children, people can't help but look over at another person's present and make comparisons. Did that other present cost more? Is that other present nicer? More personal?
Here are some tips for avoiding envy.
If it is "the thought that matters"—what does the giver think of me?
First, remember that it isn't about you. Yes, the gift is meant for you, but just as you are probably swamped around the holidays, so is everyone else. We tend to think that everyone else acts intentionally and explain their behaviors as being purposeful and under their control. This is called the "fundamental attribution error." We are able to see how external forces (e.g., traffic, delays in orders, lack of the right sizes) influence our own behavior, but we fail to do the same when considering why others act as they do.
Before spiraling into accusations that the gift giver is inconsiderate, take a moment to think that maybe the lack of quality in the gift isn't about you. Think of all the times you weren't able to carry out a project or idea or intention to the level you wanted and offer that generosity of thought to the gift giver.
Second, be rational. A common game in MBA classes is called the Ultimatum Game. Essentially, Person A is given X amount of dollars. Person A can offer Person B any part of that amount. Person B can choose to take the money or not. If Person B says no, then both people lose the money.
Rationally, Person B should take whatever amount is offered. After all, a little money is better than no money. Similarly, Person A should make a high offer to Person B, because again, a little is better than none. Instead, low offers are often rejected, leading to no one getting any money. Rationally, this is a loss for everyone involved.
When receiving gifts, ignore what others may or may not have gotten, and be glad you got anything. When you leave the exchange, you will have the opportunity to gain goodwill and a strengthened relationship created by reciprocity. Even if your gift costs more or is larger than the one you received, you still experience the benefits of giving to others. In the end, you are leaving the exchange with more than you brought if you adopt the right mindset.
Third, move on. Buying gifts for people is difficult. It's hard to calibrate the appropriate intimacy of the gift, match people's tastes, and be unique.
Some people are just not good observers and not good at the deductions necessary to find the perfect gift. Maybe the friend or cousin gave you a gift that is very nice but just isn't you. So, that person isn't Sherlock Holmes and can't read your needs and tastes.
You might wonder why they think you would want a purple velour scarf with gold and green tassels. And, it might turn out that at lunch one day, you were talking about how much you love traveling to New Orleans, and to this friend, purple, green, gold, and tassels evoke the flair of New Orleans. You might ask them, "Gosh, this is great. What made you think of this for me?" When you hear the story, you'll know that the thought did count and that it was lovely. Then, accept that you'll need to wear the scarf at least once, and move on. No one is perfect.
Enter and exit the gift-giving season with generosity. Be generous and thoughtful as you pick out gifts for others. And be generous in thought as you receive.