How to Support the Grieving in 2020
My patient’s husband was admitted to the hospital with COVID-19 and passed away three days later, alone, on a ventilator. She was too sick to mourn the devastation; she had also contracted COVID-19 and so did her son.
It wasn’t until months later that she had the strength to begin to grieve her husband’s death. Staying isolated and distanced at home made the reality all that much harder. Another patient felt severe fatigue and didn’t get tested for COVID because she assumed her symptoms were due to the stress of losing her mother. She lost her mom, after a long struggle with dementia. My patient ended up having COVID-19 which complicated her ability to attend her mother’s funeral. These heartbreaking stories are far too frequent in my practice. Although each unique, they share the common thread of tragedy that makes every loss heavy to bear.
COVID-19 has definitely complicated the grieving process. Whether mourning the loss of a loved one or the simple loss of normalcy, everyone is grieving in 2020. No hugs at the funerals, religious rituals delayed, travel restrictions and gathering restrictions make it difficult to have peace and say goodbye.
We are robbed of the feasibility of the normal coping strategies of traditions, families, routines, and community connectedness. Grieving is hard work under normal circumstances and this global pandemic has made bereavement very challenging.
Families have been unable to spend time with their loved one up to and after he or she passes, making the reality of the death more difficult to process. The bereaved may feel increased isolation and a lack of social support.
may not know how to support someone. It’s completely normal not to know your place when supporting someone, especially during COVID-19, here are some ways that can help.
1) Know your place. It’s hard to know whether or not you are “close” family or friends, especially with gathering restrictions. Expressing your desire to be present but articulating respect for restrictions can open the door for a deeper conversation. In a time like this, let your heart guide you. You may not be needed right away but checking back in a week or a month can be helpful.
2) Don’t ask, just do. Asking if there’s anything you can do is a rhetorical question; you will never get an answer. Rather, think about what you can do and just do it- dropping off food, making a donation in a loved one's name, sending a memory package, or just calling and leaving a message to check in. Actions can speak louder than words.
3) Find ways to celebrate and honor the life of a loved one. Find a charity to support or organize an online memorial page. Create a virtual word cloud of the admirable character traits of the person who passed. Fight for a cause he or she believed in.
4) Keep memories alive. As we move through life, these memories can become more integral to defining us. Don’t avoid talking about the person who passed away, rather bringing up memories is a great way to keep the person alive with us. Ask friends to record video messages of memories and make a collaborative video montage. Keep a physical memory to carry like a photo or an object that reminds you of that person who passed. Also, incorporating the person who passed in family traditions is a way to keep them close.
5) Check in often. Check in at one month, three or six months and especially on holidays. Even as the years go by, continue to support them. Send an email, video chat, text - keep the messages coming. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, the pain is still there. It doesn’t diminish with time. Remembering every birthday and death anniversary is meaningful.
6) Encourage a loved one to move forward with their deceased, not move on without them. A common misconception is that a grieving person needs to move on. There is no moving on from death. When your loved one talks about loss, even several years later, resist the urge to change the subject. It may be easier to pretend it didn’t happen or avoid speaking about the loss. Grief is not something to ignore or avoid. There should be no assumption that as time goes on the person should be over it. Listening and engaging can really help your loved one feel supported.
Grief is very personal and the way one experiences it may differ from another. All of the above suggestions can apply to people who are mourning different things, whether it be a divorce, loss of health or loss of a loved one. So this Holiday season, in the midst of buying presents and staying safe at home, consider reaching out to all the people you know who may have lost someone this year and in all the years passed. Because as each year goes the pain doesn’t diminish, you just learn to live with.