2 Keys to an Authentic Voice and a Joyful Self
When I was growing up, my mother quoted Shakespeare: “This above all: To thine own self be true.” While Shakespeare used these words ironically, they are good words to live by. If we are untrue to ourselves, we live disconnected lives, and we cannot love ourselves or anybody else very well.
But having an authentic voice isn’t always the same as spontaneous, unvarnished candor. I was reminded of this fact when my friend called and said, “Harriet, I felt picked on during our walk yesterday. I felt like you were on my case and focusing on my weaknesses. Maybe some of what you said was true, but it didn’t feel good.”
She was absolutely right. Nowhere in our conversation had she asked for my feedback. Who appointed me the expert on her problems? And what good are my frank observations, right or wrong, if they left her feeling diminished? Of course, I apologized. I had also left the conversation feeling a little bit down, so my body had registered that something wasn’t right.
Having an authentic voice is not about speaking from a place of angry reactivity, righteousness, or criticism. Rather, it’s about constructing a more solid and whole self, modeling the behavior we want from others, and thinking about relationship problems with clarity, creativity, and wisdom. Steps in this direction require us not to rush in and tell all, but rather to consider how our words affect others.
Finally, our clarity of voice reflects the degree of our self-awareness. Having an authentic voice requires us to operate from core values, rather than in reaction to the other person’s immaturity. We must keep our own immaturity in check, which admittedly is hard to do when we’re caught up in strong emotions. We need to use both wisdom and intuition in deciding whether to lighten up and let something go or to take a difficult conversation another round.
What we call authenticity is not just in being ourselves but in choosing the self we want to be. The self is constantly reinvented through interactions with others. The self is always under construction. Thus, we may need to make a special effort to engage in novel conversations that will create a larger view of who we are and what our relationships can become. Each of us needs the courage to "try out a new me!" by experimenting with novel or unfamiliar ways of navigating relationships that may at first feel very much not like our old familiar "real, authentic self."
Here are the two key concepts that can lead us to authenticity in the truest sense of the word.
Sometimes there is a gap between what we say and what we really feel. This isn’t necessarily a problem. Sharing “true feelings,” while essential in certain circumstances, is highly overrated as a principle to live by.
Sometimes there is a gap between what we say and what we truly hope to accomplish in a relationship. Or a gap between what we say and the sort of person we hope to become. Or a gap between what we say, and a deeply held value, belief, and principle. And that’s a problem.
Our conversations invent us. Through our speech and our silence, we become smaller or larger selves. Through our speech and our silence, we diminish or enhance the other person. Think hard about the two key concepts above. They are not two things to do. They are two related concepts to understand and live by. Your best self will thank you for the effort.