Tips for Becoming a More Generous Listener
"God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we ought to listen twice as much as we speak." — Old Proverb
A universal desire is to want to be heard. But how well do we listen? Listening well takes more work. It means extending our attention to others. Deep listening is the ultimate act of generosity.
Cultivating the art of listening can go a long way toward creating fulfilling relationships. Since everyone wants to be heard, your efforts are likely to be noticed and appreciated.
Here are some ways to crank up your listening — thereby deepening connections in your important relationships.
Genuine Caring
If someone asked whether you care about your partner and friends, you might quickly reply, “Yes, of course.” But this raises a question: What does it really mean to care and what needs to happen so that our caring comes across and is actually felt?
It’s common to have a self-image of being a caring person — and maybe we are. But true caring is more than an abstract thought. It is more than wishing someone well. It requires a mature capacity to direct attention beyond ourselves and see the life of another as distinct from ours. They have feelings, hopes, fears, and needs that may be different from ours. Caring means having empathy for them and their feelings. It means being present for them. Caring means being concerned about their relationship with their life, not just with ours. As Milton Mayeroff, professor of philosophy, describes caring and empathy well in his classic book, On Caring:
“To care for another person, I must be able to understand him and his world as if I were inside it … I must be able to be with him in his world, ‘going’ into his world in order to see from ‘inside’ what life is like for him.”
Showing Interest
Caring goes hand in hand with being genuinely interested in a person. Rather than making an effort to be interesting, we keep our focus on being interested. Of course, we also want to be heard. But generously extending our non-judging attention and interest can get the ball rolling toward a fulfilling mutual exchange.
We learn and grow by being interested in people. We each have a wealth of experience, especially as we age. We can be stimulated and inspired by each other’s experience. People might become more interested in you as you convey that you’re interested in them. Showing interest by listening in an open, non-critical way helps people feel safer with you, which thickens the delicate strands of trust.
Stay Connected to Your Body
We listen more deeply and easily as we stay connected to our body. When people share feelings or experiences that are important to them, I try to remember to breathe as a way to stay connected to myself. I try to listen not just with my mind but also with my heart.
You don’t have to do this perfectly. I certainly don’t! We all get distracted sometimes. But a sincere intention to listen goes a long way. Similar to Winnicott’s notion of “good enough mothering,” “good enough” listening sends the message that we care.
People can usually sense when we extend heartfelt listening. Feeling accepted rather than judged, they may feel safer being vulnerable with us—sharing what’s alive in their heart without being paralyzed by shame or fear.
Staying connected with our body helps us self-regulate. We all get emotionally dysregulated sometimes. Taking some slow, deep breaths and being gentle with our feelings helps our nervous system settle down.
Somatic approaches to therapy, such as Focusing, Somatic Experiencing, and Hakomi can help us be more connected to the feelings that live in our body. Learning to be gentle and friendly toward our own feelings creates a calm foundation for attending to others’ feelings in a sensitive, attuned way.
Monitor Your Reactivity
It’s easy to get triggered and defensive when people express their feelings, especially if their feelings are responses to something we did or said. Their emotions might trigger our discomfort with sadness, fear, anger, or other feelings we have an aversion toward.
Being defensive means we're not letting people in. We're putting up a wall. Susan Campbell, Ph.D., expresses well how we need to find a safe refuge within ourselves in her excellent book, From Triggered to Tranquil:
"As long as we don't feel safe, our mind is not spacious enough to deeply listen to the other person. If we try to repair [a relationship rift] too soon, without doing some inner self-calming and self-soothing, we'll probably just retrigger one another and be back to where we started."
To the extent that we can find a safe refuge within ourselves, we can listen without getting so triggered and overwhelmed. People can usually sense when we’re uncomfortable with their feelings. People are more likely to feel safe and not withdraw or attack us as we replace defensiveness with self-soothing. A big step forward is to notice when we're getting triggered or defensive.
Monitoring our defensiveness means noticing when we’re becoming reactive, perhaps by shutting down or becoming sarcastic. Being mindful of our reactions allows us to pause, take a breath, and notice what’s happening inside us. We might realize, for example, that we feel angry that our partner is upset by our lack of affection or being late. We might feel shame for having broken an agreement or for being unkind and grumpy lately. Making room for our own emotions allows us to explore what is really going on with us, such as being stressed by financial pressures, health concerns, or unresolved grief from our past.
Shame is a common trigger for attacking or withdrawing. Instead of reacting in a defensive fight-flight mode, we can notice the shame that triggered us. We can pause, notice our shame, and take responsibility for our actions. Perhaps we can then say saying something like “You’re right, I’ve been distant lately. Thanks for telling me. I feel bad that I haven’t been very present or responsive lately.”
Our non-defensive listening can help our partner feel respected, seen, and heard, which is a step toward repairing broken trust and rebuilding connection.
The art of listening involves engaging with a person in a heartfelt, authentic way. It means seeing them as they are and allowing them to be as they are. Just as plants need ample water and sunshine to grow, so do people need the nutrient of our generous listening in order to heal and thrive.