Questioning Yourself? Consider Your Values
When I entered my late 20s, I hit a quarter-life crisis like no other. It knocked me out of my embedded rhythms and forced me to rethink choices around my relationships, career, and sources of meaning and fulfillment. Ever faced one of those? When everything you’ve done and believe about yourself and your life is up for debate? Leave it to chronic second-guessing and decision fatigue to cripple our confidence, creativity, and worthy pursuits. After all, it’s hard to make any good decision in life when we’re ruled by a fear of getting it wrong, being judged, or totally screwing up.
In a culture where we have so many choices and pieces of information at our fingertips, it’s easy to get lost in all the “what-ifs” and question whether we’ve done it “right.” The forces of individualism don’t help this, but reinforce the narrative that we’re all on solo missions to climb to the top and be the sole creators of our own success.
Freedom in Values
This is where our values free us. The word “values” comes from a Latin root meaning “worthy and strong” (Hayes, 2005). It implies action, encouraging us to cultivate and pursue that which is important. Our values shape not only the choices we make from day to day, but what we want our lives to be about more broadly. This opens up a more flexible way of living and being, leaving less room for rigid rules about who we should be, what our family needs to look like, or how we define success.
Goals Versus Values
Here’s what I’ve learned through my own wrestling and by talking to others in similar places: When we maintain a strict goal-driven, achievement-oriented mindset it can feel discouraging when plans don’t go as they should, or when failure inevitably happens. There’s nothing wrong with having goals, but when we pursue goals for the sake of attaining them, or to simply meet other goals, it’s hard to feel satisfied. For example, if we pursue a higher degree or a new job opportunity just to feel better about ourselves, we’ll end up feeling empty inside after it’s obtained, or perhaps depressed and hopeless if it’s not. There will always be a higher and better goal to reach, and a new standard to meet. Like “a chasing after the wind,” as Solomon once described in wisdom literature.
In contrast to goals, our values provide a broader life direction. Our values transcend our individual goals, allowing for more diverse directions and outcomes in life. Values don’t get stuck when a goal isn’t accomplished or stop when a goal is met. As Hayes puts it, “Values are intentional qualities that join together a string of moments into a meaningful path … they are qualities of unfolding actions, not of particular things.” Unlike individual goals, values are a quality of something we do, not something we have or a specific outcome to reach.
To my fellow second-guessers, our values don’t pester us and question whether every little move we make was the “right” one. They do not criticize or shame us when we fall flat on our faces, nor do they tell us exactly what we “should” do in all situations. Instead, our values weave together meaning and direction based on the decisions we’ve made, and the ones we have before us.
Our Values Shape Who We Become
Our values will also inevitably shape our goals and what we choose. Who we become and what we cherish will shape what we do. When we do fall short, our values will move us to action, with grace. When we allow our values to shape our goals, they can provide practical steps to keep us on track. Value-driven goals don’t get stuck in failure or pride, but continually move us toward steps that can shape our lives, families, and communities in meaningful ways.
If you’re stuck in a place of indecision, risk, or uncertainty, consider your own values and how they would play out. Would this decision, pursuit, or journey before you allow you to exercise and uphold your values in authentic and meaningful ways? If so, give it a shot and don't look back. In many cases, when we're allowing our core values to guide our choices and actions, there's no right or wrong way to live.
Whether you value courage, community, freedom, hope, or service, consider your values as lights guiding your next best steps. What are the qualities you want to embrace and have woven into the fabric of your family and community? Make these your priority and the daily decisions will fall into place.