Parents Need Support Too
Parents do better at childcare when they do not feel alone and have access to help and information from trusted sources.
Support consists of parent education and advice plus exchanging information and ideas with adults and professionals in their community.
Self-care is important for parents as well as children.
You don’t need to be a psychologist to know that children are facing a multitude of unusual challenges resulting from COVID, on top of the ordinary challenges of growing up. I discuss some of these in my book, How are You? Connection in a Virtual Age: A Therapist, a Pandemic and Stories About Coping With Life. Parents and professionals alike are wondering about the effects of everything from social isolation, mask-wearing, illness, loss, and fear of illness to Zoom school, re-entry to school, and parental anxiety on the brain development and mental health of children and adolescents.
Kids need resilience and support now more than ever. Because of the uniqueness of the caregiving bond, so do their parents!
My experience as a therapist, parent educator, and parent support group facilitator has taught me that support and education benefit parent confidence and skills. All children and adolescents thrive on having happy and relaxed parents. Home is where the heart is. As long as the parents are OK, and even sometimes when they are not, children bask in their proximity to the parental home.
Research by Walker and Riley (2001) demonstrates that parent education taught in newsletters and parenting programs is most accepted when it is transmitted and discussed within parents' social context, such as with friends, physicians, and other trusted adults. Byrnes and Miller (2012) show that parent education is best accessed within the context of parents' positive community atmosphere. Both studies emphasize that a network of support and education improves parenting skills.
The following are 12 ideas for parents who want to help their children cope with what could be a stressful re-entry to school this fall:
Direct support for parents
1. Prioritize some self-care, whether it be a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper, taking a walk with a friend, exercising, special time with your partner, a nap, or anything else that feels rejuvenating. If you need to give your kids a little extra screen time in order to procure this time for yourself, it is worth it. Giving to yourself will allow you to give more to your children.
2. Arm yourself with developmental information from a trusted source so that you understand the developmental tasks, goals, and challenges that go along with your child’s age.
Find a forum for learning from parenting and developmental experts. There are various different support and parent education groups and/or individuals available who can supply helpful information about parenting targeted at specific age groups and challenges. One source is Dr. Lisa Damour. She has a podcast entitled Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting and a column in the New York Times on this subject.
3. Talking to other parents can be a way to feel less alone with the burden and the joys of parenting. Feeling less alone can be enough to fortify you to tackle tough parenting situations. It can also be a good way to get fresh ideas and perspectives when you feel stuck and locked into one way of viewing things.
4. Talk to your children’s teachers if you spot a problem or have a concern about your child.
Parenting tips
5. Talk to your kids and validate what a strange and difficult time this is. How unprecedented this is in our lifetime. Explain that pandemics happen throughout history (strangely normalizing this one) and how we must learn how to deal with them and other crisis situations.
6. Listen to your child non-judgementally. Verbally identify their concerns and empathize with them.
7. Set up routines and structure.
8. Limit screen time.
9. Set your priorities for your children. Then drop perfectionism and appreciate that different children have different but normal learning curves.
11. Allow your adolescent space to be alone and away from family.
12. Give adolescents areas of decision and control like in their room.
Be kind to yourself and your child. We are all going through this unique and challenging time, parents and children together, with no road map. The circumstances of the pandemic are constantly changing, making it necessary to embrace the fluidity of the situation and to be ready to change course if necessary, one day at a time.