Wise Feedback: A New Way of Addressing Relationship Conflict
I’ve spent the past decade encouraging my clients to use the sandwich technique when expressing complaints to their partner. The sandwich technique is when a criticism is sandwiched between two compliments with the hope it will soften the blow. Despite the fact that I’ve taught it, I’ve never liked it.
There are a few issues with this approach. First, most people end up focusing solely on the criticism. So, while it may soften the initial blow, it doesn’t take long for the complaint to make its way back out under the spotlight. Second, sandwiching a complaint in between two affirmations makes the affirmations seem disingenuous. It’s obvious to most people that the compliments are only being used to more gently sling out a criticism.
I never had a good alternative until recently, when I attended a lecture about new ways to educate our youth by Dr. David Yeager from my alma mater, The University of Texas. Dr. Yeager explained a beautiful alternative to the sandwich technique called, “wise feedback.” I immediately thought of how I could teach this to my clients as an improved way of expressing relationship concerns.
What is wise feedback?
Wise feedback conveys high expectations while also showing your partner that you believe in them. Studies on the effectiveness of wise feedback in youth in educational settings have found that this approach improves a sense of belonging and heightens feelings of trust in the educational institution. This approach has also shown to be more relational in that it encourages a more reciprocal dialogue. Wise feedback interventions have been shown to improve academic outcomes. It should be noted that the studies referenced here examined youth populations in educational settings. My adult clients, however, seem to prefer the technique as well, and I am noticing better therapeutic outcomes in couples’ therapy.
Let’s look at an example of the sandwich technique versus wise feedback.
Cheryl and Linda came to therapy to address communication issues in their relationship. One of their most explosive arguments centered around Linda’s notorious tardiness. Had Cheryl confronted Linda using the sandwich technique, it might have gone something like this:
Cheryl: Linda, I appreciate that you take time putting yourself together. I know how important it is to you that you look presentable when we go out, and I like that about you. But your tardiness reflects poorly on us as a couple. It makes me feel frustrated and my resentment about this issue is growing. That being said, you always manage to be the life of the party once we finally arrive. I like your fun-loving attitude.
There is a good chance that all Linda hears is, My tardiness reflects poorly on us as a couple. Cheryl resents me. Yeah right that she loves my fun-loving attitude. She’s mad at me during most parties.
This is likely to make Linda defensive in her response to Cheryl, saying something along the lines of, Well if you like that I put effort into my appearance and we have fun at the party, why is it a big deal if we run late?! Why do you nitpick such minor issues? A response like this not only minimizes Cheryl’s feelings, it also escalates the issue.
If Cheryl had used the wise feedback technique, it would have gone something like this:
Cheryl: Linda, I’d like to talk to you about being on time. I notice that you’re constantly running late. This has created an issue in our relationship because I think it’s important to arrive on time when we are invited to events. You’ve always been a very considerate person. You’re on time for work and other important meetings. I know you’re capable of making some adjustments to your routine to ensure we aren’t always the last ones to arrive. I trust that we’d both feel more relaxed and connected if you could extend your consideration for when we are invited to parties or have a dinner reservation. As your partner, I’m here to extend any support you may need to plan ahead so that we arrive on time.
The wise feedback technique allows Linda to:
Clearly understand what the issue is—no beating around the bush.
Hear an acknowledgement from Cheryl that she believes in her ability to change.
Receive an offer of support from Cheryl.
It’s harder to imagine getting defensive when the issue is raised this way.
I find the wise feedback technique to be especially effective for emotionally sensitive issues. I primarily treat couples struggling with sexual concerns (which tend to be highly sensitive), and my couples have responded well to this approach.
Here’s another example of wise feedback used to address a sexual conflict:
I’d like to talk to you about the time we spend in foreplay. I know we both value a strong sexual connection and recognize how important it is for the health of our relationship. You’re attentive in so many ways, and I know you’re capable of slowing down and learning my body so that my arousal has more time to build. I’d love to show you specifically what I like. Can we try that next time we make love?
As you can see, the wise feedback technique fosters dialogue, support, and collaboration in problem-solving.