Do Your Desires Reflect Who You Are?
Given that all humans share the vast majority of our DNA, how and why can our individual differences influence the ways that our basic needs get translated into wants? For example, I need nourishment—why might I want an ice cream sundae instead of a cup of yogurt with blueberries? I need contact with those I love; why might I want consistent cuddling instead of episodic phone contact? I need inspiration; why might I want time along the seaside rather than be at a panel discussion? Answers to questions like these can lie in personality studies of individual differences.
Developmental models of psychology seek to expose near-universal demands on us across our lifespan, or during more specific periods of growth such as childhood, adolescence, or adulthood. In a recent post, I explored ways in which three of these developmental models can be helpful as we distinguish what we may want from what we truly need.
Temperament as a driver of wants and needs
Methodical observations of individual differences between newborns at New York University’s hospital began in the 1940’s, under the supervision of Thomas, Chess, and Birch. Studies revealed nine biologically-based traits along which the infants systematically varied as they responded to events in their internal and external worlds (for example feeling hunger and hearing noise, respectively). Do the math: nine continuous dimensions interacting with each other easily computes into the complexity with which we differ from each other, especially when we encounter stress.
I have discussed temperament in earlier posts—the basics of the dimensions; how the temperaments of two people can interact, temperament’s impact on how we manage transitions, and its relationship to excitement-seeking. How might the nine dimensions affect our choices?
Activity level: A craving either for action or immobility can lead a person to use either extreme as a “go-to” way to hide from discomfort. Needing to “go for a run” to decrease or neutralize arousal can become as disabling as withdrawing into silence and stillness.
Approach/Avoidance: My innate approach tendencies got me into trouble when I was young, as I enthusiastically jumped into each appealing new opportunity, only to face painful corrections once the fuller picture of my life came into sight and my slower adaptability took hold. This tendency to “approach” novelty required modification, so that I could act from judgment rather than attraction. It was as dangerous as a neurotic avoidance of the unfamiliar.
Adaptability: Independent of approach/avoid tendencies, we are born with an innate tendency to
respond to changes inside or outside of us with relative ease or difficulty. High flexibility can be a huge asset in a complex world, although it can also lead one to miss depth that is only possible with some stability across time. In making choices, are you motivated by a “pull” toward mastering a new situation or condition or a “push” to resist a change that may have unknown consequences? If caught between a desire to adapt and a desire to maintain the status quo, how do you deal with the conflict?
Sensory threshold: Some people are born with a heightened sensitivity to some or all sensory experiences. Perhaps they can hear a helicopter at a great distance, taste subtle differences between brands of marmalade, or smell perfumes acutely. Others process sensory input at a less discriminating level. Sensitivity levels can be trained. These sensory threshold differences make want/need choices more or less informed although not necessarily less acute.
Intensity: How acute one's wants and needs become in response to sensory input is a function of
intensity. The infant who responds with red-faced rage to information, whether internal or environmental, contrasts with one who remains relaxed. Drama and catastrophe lay at one end of the continuum, indifference at the other. Intensity can drive a “want” into a feeling of “need”, but, again, regulation can be learned.
Mood: Some babies are born cheerful, others more serious. The latter can learn to lighten up while the jolly ones can learn to reflect. Both reflection and playfulness can help us explore and distinguish wants from needs with much higher levels of conscious awareness.
Rhythmicity: Just as some infants display regular wake/sleep and hunger cycles, as if their internal clock has a built-in alarm, others experience their needs more randomly. Both extremes can be modified, increasing flexibility or regularity as required.
Distractibility: Our capacity to focus, to pay attention to something without being distracted by inside or outside cues, also lies on a continuum. Alertness on the one hand and access to the “flow” state on the other have advantages. But when our adaptability is in short supply, conflict arises. Sometimes we need to not be distracted (like while driving a car) and other times we need to be tuned in to distractions (also like while driving a car). Survival may hinge on our ability to switch.
Persistence: Some infants stay with a challenge until all attempts to master it have been exhausted. Others tolerate almost no frustration. “Persistence” can be reworked at its extremes, although with greater effort if it has hardened into a maladaptive habit like obsessiveness on the one hand or extreme impulsivity on the other.
Awareness of your unique temperament along with alterations in specific dimensions of it, should they be necessary, can combine to bring you wise distinctions between wants and needs and thus more conscious choices.