Are You Trying to Be Superman or Superwoman?
Emotionally super strong people are everywhere. They are the ones who don’t complain, who always pitch in, even when over their heads, and who caretake others, even when others are disagreeable, unthankful, and abusive. The invincible behave as if they are invulnerable. They believe it, too. They hold their emotions in check and defer to others’ wants and needs. They act as if they never need rest or emotional nurturance. They rarely ask for help or say “no” to others who demand their time and energy. To others, they appear unassailable and resilient.
How Do the Super Invulnerable Get That Way?
Homer B. Martin, MD, and I are psychiatrists. We studied personality development over a combined 80 years. We learned that indomitable people are raised differently than more feeble, overly sensitive people. By age 3, their parents’ way of emotionally conditioning and responding to them creates a very pronounced ability to assume an invincible role in life. We say such people have omnipotent personalities. We describe these findings in our book, Living on Automatic: How Emotional Conditioning Shapes Our Lives and Relationships.
Here are some highlights of the pattern and results of invincible emotional conditioning by parents:
Parents impose extraordinarily high standards for behavior
Strive for perfection in school, sports, and social activities
Focus on ability to perform for others
Expresses few needs and is punished or admonished when he/she does
Expresses few emotions.
Functions without complaint and does not let illness or disability prevent him/her from caring for others’ needs
Hyper-responsible
Overly serious
Can be a workaholic with few leisure interests
Others have increasing expectations of them
Drawbacks of Thinking You Are Bulletproof
When you are emotionally conditioned to believe you are omnipotent and not helpless sometimes or in occasional jeopardy, you are prone to the following emotional problems arising from assuming this overly strong role:
Not resting or enjoying leisure time
Daily exhaustion
Overwhelmed with doing too much and trying to please too many people
Hard time saying no to others
Rarely speaking up for yourself
Rarely asking others for help
Guilt and depression when you cannot please others totally
Anxiety at anticipating “doing it perfectly” for someone else
Resentful others ask so much of you
Suicidal feelings and attempts with not pleasing others
Remedies for Omnipotent Role
Being more vulnerable and susceptible means dialing yourself down to being in a “weaker” role. This will lead you toward emotional health.
Say “no” when others ask too much of you. Ask others to meet your needs for nurturance, downtime, and assistance with chores, work, and activities.
Laugh. Be silly and frivolous. Change your mind from time to time. Don’t be so predictable for others’ benefit.
Instead of striving for perfection, aim for a good-enough, reasonable effort.
To improve emotional health, alter your emotionally-conditioned role from an indomitable, bulletproof one to a slightly weaker one. Patients tell me they fear becoming “weak” when contemplating this. I assure them this does not happen when making personality adjustments. No one ever totally changes his or her “stripes.”
Your goal is to diminish your invincible way of regarding yourself. By adding some weakness and sensitivity to your role, you will get a lot more out of your life and relationships.
You cannot help how you were emotionally conditioned by your parents to assume an indomitable role, but you can make changes and become more open and susceptible. You can become the emotionally healthy person you want to be.