Asking
You ask and you get rejected.
You ask and you get no response.
You ask and they say “Maybe later.”
How you ask can improve your results.
My clients report that they’ve learned best when I teach by example and then ask them to say what principles were embedded. So, I do that for you here.
Of course, what's wise to say will vary with your situation. Consider these as mere samples, written for broad applicability.
Relationships
For a date. "I like a lot of what I’ve seen in you, not just your looks, but you seem kind and intelligent. Would you like to go out for coffee?"
To marry. "Both my head and heart are telling me, loud and clear, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. (Get on your knee.) Will you marry me?"
To do an activity. "I know it’s not your favorite, but I’ve been lusting for Thai food for quite a while. Would you rather I do that some time on my own or are you open to having Thai tonight? You can pick the dishes."
To change their behavior. "Is this a good time to offer a suggestion? (assuming yes) For what it’s worth, when you’re late, which happens not infrequently, I’m feeling like I don’t count much. Any chance you could try to be more on-time?"
Work
For a co-worker to get something done. "Hey Chris, I’ve got to get this report in on Monday and need your contribution. When can I count on getting it?"
Resources to do a special project. "You’ve discussed the importance of our workgroup doing a better job of preempting customer complaints. To that end, I have a thought. What do you think of my reallocating maybe 20 percent of my time for one week to phone or Zoom a dozen customers, to get a bead on what we might do differently? I’d present the results to you or at a staff meeting. What do you think?"
For a raise. "Thank you for the compliment. Maybe this is a good time to ask: My performance review isn’t for another three months but, as you said, I’ve been working hard and well, especially on the initiatives you’ve emphasized as priority. For example, I've recreated two processes—the one on tax compliance and the one on addressing race or gender complaints. I’m wondering if it might be possible to get a raise, more stock, or a larger contribution to my 401k?
To complain to your boss about a coworker. " I’ve never complained about a coworker before but I have to say that Lee Smith is, let’s just say dispiriting, not just to me but to others on the team. Those other team members have asked me to talk with your about it. Lee is always late for meetings and then, Lee's contributions are made with a level of confidence that let’s just say, exceeds their value yet gets defensive when others suggest there might be a better approach. Lee is so central to our work that one of my coworkers and yes I, have toyed with the idea of requesting a transfer to another work group. Is there anything you want to do about Lee?"
Miscellany
For an earlier appointment. "I understand that Dr. Samuels is booked for two months but especially because it's important and I’ve read great things about Dr. Samuels, I’m wondering if there might be a spot where you could squeeze me in. I’d move my schedule to make sure I could accept whatever slot you’d offer. I’d deeply appreciate your checking."
To request a change of approach. "I’m getting a lot from our counseling but may I ask for one thing? (The counselor will likely assent.) I don’t process as quickly as you do, so might you be able to slow down when explaining something complicated? I’d really appreciate it."
For a donation. " I’m a volunteer at Autism Speaks. I know you’ve donated before, but now, we’re raising money for an exciting research initiative that could take us a real step closer to understanding what causes autism and, in turn, possible new treatments or even preventives. I’m wondering if we can count on you to donate $100, $200, $500, whatever you feel comfortable with. What do you think?"
The takeaway
So, is there one or more principles or tactics that were embedded in those samples that you would like to remember and maybe even use?