5 Ways to Cope When a Pet Dies
This has been a year in which we have had to “ bear the unbearable .” One source of resilience that has eased our fear, loss, and loneliness has been pets. Pets of different species, breeds, and sizes have been anchors in the storm.
Many years ago, in one of my groups, a member came in very distraught. Sitting down, she began crying and said, “I hesitated to share this, but I am so upset. My 12-year-old, beautiful, golden lab, Star, died this past weekend.”
Instantly the group members responded with alarm, tears, gentle questions, and heartfelt concern. After a brief silence, one man tearfully added, “I need you to know something I have never told anyone. The day my dog Caesar died, I rode around for hours with him on the back seat of my car. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him; I didn’t know where to go or what to do.”
From there, the group began to share and bear witness to the loss of pets from as far back as early childhood — beloved companions, never forgotten.
There are 63.4 million dogs and 42.7 million cats in the U.S. and many other companion animals. Sixty-seven percent of U.S. households , or about 85 million families, own a pet. This equates to a great deal of joy but also considerable grief when a pet dies.
The special relationship that most people have with pets is loving and mutually affirming. Pets are loved and prized for their unique qualities, accepted, and even loved more for their imperfections. For some, the pet is the sole companion; for others, a cherished family member. When pets die – human hearts break.
When a Pet Dies, Will People Understand?
As seen in the group described above, when a pet dies, grieving and pain are only part of the equation. Complicating grief is the fear that the loss will be minimized, and the owner's reactions will be questioned or critiqued.
While this may happen in some cases, the increased number of pet owners has started to shift the recognition and understanding of the loss of these cherished animals.
Guidelines for Coping, Grieving, and Going Forward
As I consider the number of people who have shared the trauma and heartache of losing a pet with me over the years, I have found that guidelines that help with the loss of any loved one are very applicable.
1. Grieving Is a Journey. Do It Your Way.
Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Grieving is a journey from a profound loss of an external bond to a lifelong internal bond.
Movement along the way involves what has been called a Dual Process Model that involves moving from a focus on the heartache and loss to focusing on coping and adjusting steps in the future. Both are necessary. To stay riveted on loss is to remain in pain. To ignore the loss and move forward is to carry the pain that never gets integrated into your life story. To recognize that our memories are precious and that we may have tears at times is to know that grieving is loving. It is love for a pet we will always take with us.
2. Make Use of Physical and Emotional Support.
Loss of any kind impacts us physically and psychologically. Human stress reactions of fear, anger, disbelief, sadness, and numbing, kick in. Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting. We are never prepared.
Pets die from old age, accident, illness, being euthanized, and sadly, some die from neglect and mistreatment. Depending on the circumstances, reach for support. You don’t have to take your journey alone.
A Special Missy: Keith and Joan were aware that Missy, a 17-year-old cat, became weaker and weaker. In that last week, they adjusted their schedules to tend to her to feel they gave her comfort and actually helped them share her passing.
A Beagle Named Lucky Seven: While Dan recognized that Lucky Seven, a very special beagle, and his sole companion, could no longer stand and was losing bodily functions, the vet’s suggestion of euthanization froze him. Desperate and feeling guilty, he called his daughter, a new mother struggling with some post-partum depression. In the way that family members will often step up when they recognize a need, she, with baby in tow and her husband to help, left the house for the first time in a month to be there with her Dad and his beloved Lucky Seven in the final moments.
Stubby and Hammer: Karen was not there at the end. Stubby, the family cat, actually found Hammer collapsed on a neighbor’s porch and stayed with him in his last hour.
3. Make Room for Self-Compassion and Help if Needed.
When the loss of a pet comes from an accident, overlooked illness, or unexpected circumstances, grieving is complicated. Shame and blame often obscure our permission to grieve. The human belief that we can control what happens to our loved one is assaulted. Our self-condemnation adds to the heartache of traumatic loss.
The Loss of Dinga: The drowning of their puppy, Dinga, was an unbearable and traumatic loss for Cassie and Mike. It ushered in the helplessness, horror, and blame and tortured them with nightmares, “what if’s,” and anger for each other. It was hard for them to realize that their reactions were understandable and that their anger masked grief. Seeking some professional support helped them “make meaning” of their conflicting feelings and offered the safety they needed to mourn, feel self-compassion, grieve and heal together.
In addition to seeking professional help, additional resources like organizations for pet loss and books like Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Lost a Pet ; Good Grief: Finding Peace after Pet Loss, and The Loss of a Pet can help make meaning of what you are facing and help restore your sense of self-acceptance and self-compassion.
4. Remember in Your Own Way.
Much as our identity is captured in the story we tell about ourselves, part of that story includes the relationships we have had with our pets.
At the beginning of the grieving process, we often can’t stop thinking of our lost pet. Eventually, we choose to cherish and remember.
Entitling yourself to remember, write down, frame pictures, tell stories, and commemorate the bond you had with your pet is invaluable in the healing process.
It is not about letting go but redefining and holding onto your pet in your mind and heart in a certain way. I have never met a person, in or outside my office, who does not remember their childhood pet and all the pets along the way.
5. Re-connect as You Go Forward.
Re-connection happens on several levels and in different ways for different people:
Re-connection to the other pets and people in your life with less and less pain does not mean less loyalty or love to the lost pet. It means going on with life and a pet in your heart.
Re-connection to a new pet at some point is a personal choice. It does not equate to replacement. It often keeps the memory and joy of all the pets you have loved very much alive.
Re-connection to self is crucial in grief and healing after the loss of a pet.
If you recognize that every pet invites you to grow, love, and expand in some way other than after losing a pet, consider that you have been permanently and positively changed by the pet you loved.