Happiness Is a Carrot
There is a criticism in some circles of positive psychology, namely, that forcing people to be happy creates toxic positivity
Toxic positivity assumes that you must only think happy thoughts and that you must not express your doubts, fears and insecurities
This criticism is misplaced. You can create a culture of openness and you can create space for positive expression
When it comes to mental health and wellbeing, I’m a big fan of positive psychology and I use many of its interventions and exercises in my clinical and coaching work to very good effect. One of the biggest criticisms of it as a practice in any setting, however, is that you can’t force happiness on people and that doing so only creates an atmosphere of toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity is the notion that no matter how difficult or horrible a situation may be, the person experiencing it has to maintain a positive mindset, can only focus on the good and must maintain a state of happiness. In short, they are not supposed to bring themselves, or anybody else for that matter, down with their negativity.
Toxic positivity means you’re not allowed to bum people out.
This point of view isn’t just held by the people doing the listening, it can also be held by the person who is experiencing the horrible situation.
To me, this says more about the people making the criticism than it does about the criticism itself.
Allow me to explain.
Many years ago, I worked in a company with a very officious HR manager who was great at quoting regulations chapter and verse but, lacking in empathy, wasn’t very good at the ‘human’ bit in human resources.
One Monday morning, after I had returned to work from a holiday, my manager asked if was okay. “Did you have a heavy night last night?” she enquired, eyeing me suspiciously.
“No,” I replied. “But I don’t feel very well at all.”
“Hmm,” she said, not entirely convinced. But she kept an eye on me and, by lunchtime, decided to send me home.
After trying to take a nap unsuccessfully I tried to go to the toilet. I say tried, because nothing much happened apart from an excruciating pain.
Not being a fan of pain, I decided to take myself off to the nearest accident and emergency department. On arrival, I told the nurses at the desk of my predicament. They placed me in an ambulance post haste and sent me off to a hospital suitable to my presentation.
An overnight stay for tests was advised. As I lay in my gurney, wondering what was wrong, I called my manger to inform her. She was one of those people possessed with the tendency to repeat, out loud, things she was told in conversation (including over the phone) and so our dialogue went a little like this:
“I’m in hospital.”
“You’re in hospital!” This was said as an exclamation, rather than asked as a question.
“Yes, I’m being kept overnight for tests and observations”
“You’re staying overnight for tests and observations!”
And so on.
My manager sat very near the officious HR manager, who heard every word my manager repeated back to me. During a brief lull in our conversation, I clearly heard the HR manager say, “Tell him he needs form 347B signed by his doctor for our records.” Or words to that effect.
I was not best pleased with her response, nor with her lack of empathy and said so. I told my manager to tell them what they could do with form 347B but, sadly, she did not repeat that request out loud.
I am sure that, in a corporate setting, there are HR managers that would view wellbeing, positivity and happiness as an equally bureaucratic box ticking exercise as my predicament. There are people who are happy employing happiness as the proverbial stick to beat people with, rather than as the proverbial carrot to entice them with. They would rather push people towards positivity than encourage them to walk towards it.
“Come into my office, Mister Smith,” they would intone, hands pressed together as tight as their lips. “I see your wellbeing indices are not up to standard.” A comment issued as a threat. “I am displeased with your performance!” They would say. “Complete form 347B and be happy now!” With an ‘or else’ unsaid but implicit, left hanging in the air. “This is a positive place; we do not care for any of your misery in here.”
This is indeed toxic. And quite stressful.
Which brings me to another criticism of positivity; that you can’t make people feel happy when there is something to be unhappy about. Those critics are right. Well, sort of right. Kind of right. As, again, they are thinking of positive thinking as the thick stick to beat people with rather than as the shiny, juicy orange thing to dangle in front of them.
Trying to make someone do something they want to do isn’t going to work and is only going to stress them further still. However, encouraging someone to take a step back and look at thinks a little differently is always a good thing. It allows objectivity back into the room.
So, let’s be objective. Positive psychology does not expect, does not ask and does not want anyone to ignore the stresses and strains of their lives. It does not want to deliberately force people into repeating positive, happy and life-affirming mantas as their world falls apart.
In fact, resilience skills (learning how to cope effectively with challenge, difficulty and negativity whilst at the same time, focussing on something positive, hopeful and optimistic) is a core component of positive psychology. It’s even taught to the US Army and in corporate environments around the world.
Not only that, but if you are truly in need, a positive psychologist will actively encourage you to seek out psychotherapy alongside any positive intervention they recommend as a way of dealing with your issues.
And, in any capacity, be it as a therapist, a coach, a HR manager or otherwise, we can all understand that, when something horrible happens, feeling horrible in the immediacy of it is sadly, regrettably, only too applicable to the situation and needs an outlet for expression.
And so, to anyone who tries to ‘force’ happy thinking on anyone in any environment, including the workplace, I say don’t. Don’t force it. You can’t force it. However, you can build positive practices into your wellbeing policy, you can create the space for hope, optimism, resilience and more.
At the same time, if anyone is actually going through something, a proactive wellbeing policy (or, even, person) will be able to spot the signs, respond accordingly and, hopefully, signpost them in the right direction.
You don’t have to hit anybody over the head with positive psychology initiatives, but you can lay them out on a plate as a tempting array of shiny, healthy vegetables. You can then step back, keep quiet, and see which ones they take to.
Delicious!