In Relationships, Challenges Need to Be Endured and Mastered
A great relationship requires hard work.
Challenges create opportunities for growth.
Relationships are not about finding the right person, but being the right person.
Fom our book,That Which Doesn’t Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places.
Linda: If we want to achieve the highest level available in a relationship, challenges need to be endured and mastered. I shed the romantic notion that “if we love each other, the relationship will just flow.”
In our workshops, we attempt right away to break up any delusional thinking and romantic myths, letting participants know that having a great relationship is work—damn hard work at times. We say it often and in many ways.
Learning how to be present with these difficult emotions led me to a new depth of love. In the co-creative stage, I was able to comprehend the grand scheme of things. I discovered that all that I go through is an opportunity for my growth. It is a challenge to become stronger, wiser, more mature, and more loving.
By maintaining equanimity in the face of crisis, I am able to see with the broader vision. Having arrived at a place where I can stay open to what is, gives me a sense of great power. I feel courageous and capable, proud of being able to handle my life.
Learning to Be "The Right Person”
Linda: At times I experience great joy, wonder, and exhilaration in learning. Learning means accepting that sometimes I don’t know. It means that sometimes, I have to be willing to be wrong about what I think is the way it is.
Every time I learn something my worldview shifts in some way. I often thought that there was somebody out there with whom learning would be more comfortable. It took a while to let go of that fantasy and realize that it is not about finding the right person; it is about being the right person. By becoming a dedicated student and a patient teacher, I am learning to ask the right questions.
What are the qualities that originally drew me to my partner? Are they present now?
What is the purpose of our relationship?
How do we have a disagreement that neither of us loses?
What is the most skillful way to handle my anger?
What part of my own dark side have I not owned and am projecting onto my partner?
What part of my golden side have I not owned and may be projecting onto my partner?
How do we build trust back after it has fallen?
What does it really mean to be responsible?
What, for me, is compassionate self-care?
If I were to lose my partner through divorce or death, what unfinished business would I have?
What would be the areas of remorse and regret?
How can I become a more loving person?
My beloved, how may I best love you?
What is my unique contribution to make in this world and in what way might my partner assist me in that process?
Living in questions like these allows me to be humble and bring an inquisitive mind to my relationship. Instead of being so full of righteous knowing, I am a good student of life, living in radical amazement, energized by the process of discovery.
Wavy Gravy says, “Married life is a pit full of pitfalls, designed by some demonic deity for our conscious evolution.” I do my work not only so that I can have more trust and better communication in my relationship and more enjoyment in the family. I also do the work to feel more whole, and boy is it worth it.