Are You Usually Sad?
A small percentage of my coaching clients aren’t clinically depressed but are sad, not just situationally sad but have been sad, sober, serious most of their life.
If that describes you or someone you care about, you might find of value this composite exchange.
Client: I’m sad not just because I’m unhappy at work. On reflection, I’ve always been a sad person.
MN: When did you first think of yourself as a sad person?
Client: Actually, only recently. That happened when I didn’t get the promotion I thought I deserved. When I reflected, I realize I've never been happy, even when I’ve had successes. I've viewed my successes as an additional worry: Now I’ve got to be good at my promotion, my marriage, whatever.
MN: What do you think is the root cause of your being a sad person?
Client: I take after my father. He was always sad and, like me, it comes partly from an unrelenting sense of responsibility to work hard, be ethical, kind to everyone. Also, I feel good about myself in being a serious person. I tend to think less of perky, fluffy, too-optimistic people.
MN: So you seem to like the way you are. Do you want to accept yourself as-is or make any changes?
Client: I do like myself this way but wonder if I’m paying too big a price. It would seem that being a happy person is, by definition, a more pleasant way to go through life. The question is whether it's okay to mainly cavort through life when you believe that militates against your making the biggest difference you can in your limited time on earth. So I dunno. Maybe I’m open to making small changes but not fundamental ones. What did you have in mind?
MN: Are there things that make you happy?
Client: I don’t know about happy, but, for the moment, I feel good when I’m eating, especially something I really like, for example, canned peaches or vanilla ice cream, or maybe both together!
MN: You’re not overweight. Do you want to more often, eat your faves, perhaps in small portions so you won't gain weight?
Client: I guess.
MN: Anything else that makes you at least transiently happier?
Client: Quilting. It’s relaxing, meditative, and after I’m done, I have something to give as a gift that is a comforter, literally and figuratively.
MN: Anything else?
Client: Getting my work done, crossing stuff off my to-do list
MN: That sounds like your sober responsibility rather than your pleasure-finder.
Client: Yeah.
MN: Anything else could make you happier? I’ll go to the well until it runs dry.
Client: Listening to Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand singing Tell Him.
MN: Of course, those are all transient pleasures. No one can fill enough of life with such things to make a person even modestly happy overall. Is there anything more enduring that’s worth considering?
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Client: You’re pushing me, so I have to say something. The only thing that comes to mind is to more often feel grateful for the good in my life.
MN: I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead or at least not falling further behind.
The takeaway
If you or someone you know seems usually sad, might any of what was mentioned be of help:
Transient pleasures: Those don’t require a personality transplant yet can sprinkle bits of pixie dust onto a sober life.
What gives you or that sad person you care about transient pleasure?
More foundational changes: Perhaps you really do want to see your glass, perhaps the world’s glass, as at least half full? If so, might that desire become incorporated into your fabric by reminding yourself to try to think positive where possible, perhaps by journaling, perhaps even with a mantra you’d keep repeating to yourself. Can you think of a mantra that would work for you?
Acceptance of yourself as-is, maybe even that you view the sober even sad way of being as superior. The world probably needs the full range of people: from the perky person to leaven life’s stresses to the worry-wart ever vigilant to what’s wrong, how to fix it, and the soberness to devote their whole being to that.