Perfectionist Alert: Stop Fretting and Find Joy in One Word

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  • Perfectionism and expectations sap joy from life

  • Living spontaneously increases mood and joy

  • Being in a state of flow removes unrealistic expectations

  • Self-Compassion practice for letting go of perfectionism

Are you proud of being a perfectionist? Maybe the better question would be, how is your perfectionism making you feel? How much is it either adding or detracting from your life and relationships?

Certainly, there are benefits to getting things done in an exacting way. Overall, however, psychologists have found that perfectionistic behavior produces harmful effects such as depression and anxiety, not to mention high blood pressure and other potential health issues. 

First, let's briefly examine what is meant by perfectionism. Perfectionism has been defined as having high standards and expectations of oneself, as well as others in a social context. There may also be a tendency to get overly critical when evaluating yourself.

Tired of always needing to hit the bullseye?

Perfectionism may even be on the rise in our exacting society. So what can anyone do about tempering its negative effects?

Did you ever hear the saying: I'm perfect just as I am, and I could use a little improvement?

That adage points to the idea that a little self-compassion can go a long way. Fortunately, recent research shows that self-compassion can actually lessen depression for both adolescents and adults. 

I've worked with several clients whose perfectionism was sapping the joy from their lives. An overly critical self forced them to focus on the outcome rather than the process. School work, for instance, was devoid of any sense of fun, exploration and curiosity because getting the top grade was all that mattered. 

While perfectionism tends to short-circuit the process of experiencing present moment flow, mindfulness is ideal for enhancing flow—and overcoming perfectionism in the process.

The power of mindfulness derives from its being experiential in nature. As written in Simply Mindful, "In the bigger picture, mindfulness is like living each unfolding moment as an improvisation, without needing to follow an out-of-date predetermined script." 

That brings us to the "one word" that I mentioned in the headline: Spontaneity

Or, you might think of spontaneity in another way, such as living each moment as an improvisation. Improvisation also means letting go of trying to anticipate or control the future. Truly, we can fight and resist the way things are in this moment, or we can participate in its unfolding, with an essence of awe, grace and wonder. This may help explain why mindfulness is often described as embracing the moment-by-moment process rather than being focused on the future outcome.

Did you ever take an improv class or see an improv comedy show?  There's no way to make improv truly effective (and funny) if you know the destination in advance. Improv requires a state of flow and a willingness to go to new places—rather than trying to make things perfect! It also means being easy on yourself when things don't go your way, which they rarely do. This more accepting attitude is core of self-kindness and self-compassion, which research has shown to be empowering and even helpful in building resilience. 

Self-Compassion and Life Improv Practice

Here's a simple self-compassion practice that you can use anytime you catch your perfectionist tendencies taking hold. 

1) Take a nice slow in-breath. Then, exhale out your need to be in control, to be perfect, or to make excessive demands on others. The world will continue and be okay if you do this!

2) Say something kind and affirming to yourself in the moment, such as "I'm okay just as I am." "I can accept myself for who I am right now." Sit with the breath and affirmation until you feel more relaxed and at peace.  

3) Remind yourself that life is an improv. Isn't that really true? After all, who knows what another person will say or do in the next minute? Even they don't know! For this reason, intentionally make a point of letting go of expectations when interacting with others. Let yourself get in the flow and see what happens when you open in this way. 

I have always said that life is meant to be joyful, and that's why we're here. Yes, there will be challenges along the way, but flowing with them is healthier, and certainly a lot more entertaining! 

Donald Altman