Why Do Young People Cheat and Have Affairs?
Cheating is associated with a variety of factors (e.g., personality traits, situational factors).
The deficit model of infidelity suggests cheating often occurs when one’s romantic partner or relationship is lacking in important ways.
Affairs motivated by relationship deficits (e.g., lack of love) are often more public, last longer, and are more damaging.
New research by Selterman and colleagues, published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, discusses motivations for romantic infidelity. Their findings provide support for the deficit model of infidelity, which suggests infidelity is caused or sustained by deficits in one’s relationship (e.g., dissatisfaction, emotional needs not met).
We begin with some background information on romantic infidelity.
Romantic infidelity
Romantic infidelity, commonly referred to as cheating—or, in married couples, having an extramarital affair—is one of the most common reasons individuals in a romantic relationship seek couples therapy and marriage counseling. The lifetime prevalence of romantic infidelity is roughly 15-25%, higher in men than women.
Having an extramarital affair is often a major romantic relationship transgression and thus associated with serious consequences, including gradual relationship deterioration, separation, and divorce. Indeed, research has shown infidelity is a common reason for divorce—other common reasons being incompatibility, growing apart, and drinking and drug use.
One way to think of the effects of extramarital affairs or romantic infidelity is as emotional trauma—a violation of fundamental beliefs and assumptions about the world and human beings. When one’s partner is unfaithful, it shatters the belief concerning the trustworthiness of the romantic partner, but also more basic beliefs regarding the safety of romantic relationships in general. A traumatized individual might doubt their ability to ever trust another individual or feel safe and secure in a relationship.
So, how to prevent infidelity? Perhaps we first need to know what motivates people to have affairs. The investigation by Selterman et al. provides some answers.
Sample and methods
Sample: 495 Internet-based participants and American university undergraduates; 213 men and 259 women (23 not reporting gender); 88% heterosexual; average age of 20 years.
Nearly 52% were currently in a romantic relationship—35% exclusively dating, 12% casually dating, 4% engaged or married, etc. Relationship lengths varied from one month to 28 years (average of 12 months and a standard deviation of 31).
Inclusion criteria included having committed infidelity in a current or past romantic relationship.
Participants answered questions about their infidelity behaviors, emotions, and motives. They then responded to questions regarding the nature of the affair—emotional/intellectual satisfaction, intimacy, sexual satisfaction, sexual acts (vaginal intercourse, oral sex), sexual frequency, intimate dialogue (e.g., “I love you”), public displays of affection, breakup, and affair disclosure.
In addition, based on previous research, the authors provided participants with a list of eight infidelity motivations (i.e. potential reasons why people cheat) to assess their motives:
Anger: To get revenge, even the score, and get back at one’s partner for cheating, insults, criticisms, etc.
Sexual desire: To meet sexual needs not satisfied by the primary romantic partner (whether due to loss of interest in sex or unwillingness to perform certain sexual acts).
Lack of love: To experience love again.
Low commitment: Cheating motivated by a lack of commitment in the current relationship (e.g., no children, not exclusive, not “technically” or publicly together).
Self-esteem: To feel attractive, feel desired, and to feel better about oneself (e.g., more autonomy and independence, higher status).
Situation: Cheating motivated by situational factors (e.g., being drunk, high, or stressed as a result of school, work, or family problems).
Neglect: To get attention (due to feeling neglected by a busy or emotionally distant spouse or partner).
Sexual variety: Being the “kind of person” who wants variety or has affairs.
Results: Motivations for infidelity
The results showed sexual satisfaction was lower in individuals whose motives were related to situational factors (e.g., being drunk, intoxicated, or under a lot of stress at the time) but higher in those whose motives included sexual desire, a lack of love in their original relationship, and a craving for partner variety.
Consistent with the deficit model of infidelity, the following behaviors were positively associated with motivations related to neglect and lack of love, and negatively associated with situation-related motives: Intimacy and intimate dialogue (e.g., saying “I love you”), going out on dates, public displays of affection, and longer-lasting affairs.
Those who felt closer to their original romantic partners prior to the affair were less likely to experience emotional satisfaction or intellectual satisfaction with their affair partners.
Sometimes the motivations for cheating were more hostile and malicious; indeed, certain cheaters reported having wanted to make their primary romantic partner suffer; or to damage or end their primary romantic relationship.
Individuals more likely to confess to their affair or break up with their primary romantic partners scored higher on motivations of neglect, low commitment, anger, and lack of love; they scored lower on motivations of sexual desire, situational factors, and desire for variety.
Takeaway
Why do people cheat? In general, cheating may have a variety of causes, like situational factors (e.g., being high, drunk, under stress), personal factors (e.g., sensation seeking, the Dark Triad personality traits), and relationship-related factors (e.g., general dissatisfaction, specific sexual needs or emotional needs not met).
The research reviewed here found support for the deficit model of infidelity, which proposes cheating is more likely to occur or be sustained when a person’s primary romantic partner or relationship is lacking in important ways.
Specifically, the data showed, “Dyadic motivations (e.g., anger at one's partner, lack of love) were linked with longer affairs, more public dates with affair partners, and primary relationship dissolution,” while “non-dyadic situational motivations (e.g., feeling stressed or intoxicated) were linked with shorter affairs, less satisfying sex during affairs, and lower rates of disclosure and dissolution.” The decision to start a new relationship with the affair partner was more strongly related to lack of love than to situational factors, sexual desire, and sexual variety.
Note, because this research was conducted mainly in younger individuals and college students, caution is required in generalizing the results to older people who have extramarital affairs or engage in casual sex outside their relationships.