Rumor Has It: Why People Gossip and How You Can Cope
Let’s be honest: You’ve probably either dished out juicy tidbits of information about others or have been on the receiving end of gossip yourself. Anything from a new haircut to a new love interest may be grounds for gather-around-the-watercooler conversation. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the “did you hear about” details of another person’s life. But if the rumors are about you, that’s another story.
Here’s a closer look at exactly what gossip is, what kind of person tends to engage in the behavior, and how to cope if you’re on the receiving end.
Defining Gossip
Dr. Ned Hallowell, board-certified child/adult psychiatrist, bestselling author, and thought leader who founded the Hallowell Centers, defines gossip as “sharing information – real or imagined – without permission.”
When it comes to the rumor mill, both types of information-sharing have the potential to be damaging.
First, though, take heart.
Some gossip may be advantageous.
Gossip Can Be Good
“The world is starved for connection, which is precisely what gossip – positive or negative – delivers,” says Dr. Hallowell. Good information can achieve this, but “nastiness connects us too.” He cites hearing of another person’s misfortune as an example of the latter. The problem is when the gossip goes too far. “It can get to the point where perception becomes reality, and this can be destroying.”
Dr. Julia Breur, Licensed Marriage and Family Psychotherapist with a private clinical practice in Boca Raton, Florida, adds that gossip can be positive when it involves spreading useful and important information. “If you’ve ever been told, ‘your reputation precedes you,’ it’s because people have heard gossip about you that winds up being beneficial.”
Consider the times a supervisor may have told you, “I’ve heard so much about how well you’ve been handling this project,” or when you meet someone who excitedly declares, “It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so many great things about you!” People have undoubtedly talking about you behind your back. But in these instances, it’s in your favor.
Gossip Can Be Bad
Unfortunately, Dr. Hallowell says that most gossip falls into this category. He says that people tend to spread rumors more so about negative events such as someone who is getting a divorce or who gained 50 pounds than they are inclined to express supportive words about a couple’s marital decision or joy for someone who lost weight.
Immersion in negative gossip makes sense, though. After all, ours is a rumor-filled society. From gossip columnists to magazines and shows dedicated to scandals and hearsay, he says it’s no surprise that gossip – particularly the negative, “juicy” kind – pervades our daily life.
What Kind of Person Gossips – and Why?
If a person is 1) commenting on your life in ways that are rife with below-the-belt remarks and inflammatory, untrue statements and 2) doing these things while not approaching you to get details from the source, Hallowell cuts right to it:
Cowardly Behavior
“They’re cowards,” he says of the person’s refusal to obtain information directly from the horse’s mouth. “A person of good moral character will go to the source. Those who don’t are behaving in a cowardly manner.” Such people tend to have a “because I can” and “because it’s simply more fun for me this way” mindset.
Insecurity/Empowerment
“Gossip or spreading rumors can empower an individual,” Dr. Breur states. She explains that sometimes, a gossiper may be needy, enjoying the fact that they’re privy to something others don’t know. Therefore, they believe that people should feel lucky to know them and receive their gossipy news. But too much “you’ll never guess what I found out” can backfire. Dr. Breur says that “hearing gossip from someone can make you think that the person doing the gossip is not trustworthy and should be avoided.”
Sadistic Personality
Hallowell suggests that there’s a kind of emotional sadism that’s rooted in gossip — especially if it’s negative — where others enjoy knowing that someone else is experiencing a level of pain which they are not. “People tend to take pleasure in someone else’s misery and delight that it’s not happening to them,” he says, referring to such gossip as a sort of “safe, vicarious sadism.”
Anxiety and Uncertainty
“Anxiety has been linked to gossip, and anxious individuals tend to be the ones who are more likely to spread rumors,” Dr. Breur says. Uncertainly plays a role too. When life feels out of control, spreading gossip seems to put that feeling on the back burner. “When we don’t have a firm grasp on how or why things are happening in the world, rumors tend to spread.”
You’re Female
“Gossip tends to be more classically associated with females,” Dr. Hallowell says. Unfortunately, the gossip from this demographic tends to lean more heavily towards intentionally sharing wrong or made-up information for the sheer sake of casting someone into an unfavorable, untrue light. “For the most part, women are the people who tend to engage in this kind of malicious, made-up gossip.”
Constructive Personality
The classic emotions that tragedy inspires in an audience involve pity and fear. These two emotions, according to Dr. Hallowell, are also often central to gossip. He points to literary greats such as Othello, Macbeth, and King Lear (ambition, jealousy, narcissism respectively) to illustrate this point.
We have pity for the hero/heroine and fear that their experience might happen to us. “This is gossip at it’s best,” he says. “We feel sorry for the person it happened to and are fearful that it may happen to us, so we take care that it doesn’t. This is when gossip is constructive; we cultivate pity and take precautions to avoid similar pitfalls.”
Tips to Cope When You’re in the Midst of Gossip – Overhearing it or on the Receiving End
According to Dr. Breur, there are several ways to cope when people consistently head your way with the latest on someone's new partner, dog, or career.
If gossip-happy people frequently talk to you about others:
1. Focus on the Positive: “Talk about the positive things you know about the person or people being gossiped about,” Dr. Breur says. “This shift in perspective can change the actual gossip to a positive and enlightening communication exchange.”
2. Recognize Gossip’s Impact on You: “Express how gossip makes you think and feel: Not everyone agrees on the definition of gossip," she says. “When gossip occurs it can be subtle, even too subtle, to decode. If you recognize gossip, it may be because you are excited about secret information being told to you or because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Either way, recognize gossip and its effect on you.”
3. Avoid Gossip: “As soon as gossip begins, leave the situation by saying, ‘I’d love to chat but I have another commitment.’ You leave the situation by not being an ear to hear their gossip.”
4. Confront Gossip: “Let the gossiper know you do not wish to hear what feels like gossip to you. Say you are not comfortable and change the topic of the conversation.”
5. Ask the Gossiper How They are Willing to Help: Turn a negative into a positive: if the gossiper says something negative about a person, ask if they willing to help that person. Dr. Breur suggests asking what can be done to make this person feel part of a group, the family, or the work organization.
If you’re at the center of gossip, Dr. Hallowell has a few thoughts:
1. Address the Gossiper: “Go straight to the source and address it,” he says. Approach the person who is sharing real or imagined information about you without your permission, so you both reach a deeper understanding of what is actually transpiring. If it’s wrong information, set the record straight.
2. Forget About It: Dr. Hallowell says you may just want to tell yourself to forget about it. He says that many times, especially when you’re in a powerful position (within the community, at work, etc.) “people are going to predictably say bad things about you.” If appropriate depending on the situation, put it behind you and let it go.
“The everyday life trick is not to care—to develop a thick skin,” Dr. Hallowell explains. “Gossip is often done by small and petty people and you don’t want to come to their level. If you go after it, you’re only feeding into it, which is what they want. But if you ignore it, you are starving them from their need to have a reaction.”