Sexual Assault Survivor Pens Powerful Letter to Her Attacker
In 2011, Ashley Hunt’s world was shattered by a sexual assault. Ten years later—facing daily emotional challenges and a sense that she was robbed of so much happiness—she decided to write a letter to her attacker. Rather than sending the letter, she feels the best way to help reduce sexual assaults is to share her story and talk about her struggles with forgiveness, anger, anxiety, power, and pain.
Here is the letter written by Ashley:
This year is the 10-year anniversary of surviving your sexual assault. It has been a windy up and down decade of trauma recovery. Two years ago I thought I had made a lot of progress in my recovery but then something significant happened when I travelled to Alaska. It was the first trip I have been on that I wasn’t thinking or getting inspired for my work. Being in nature and out in the middle of nowhere with no service and no noise put me in such a state of peace. This experience shined a light on the only thing that was not peaceful within me, and that was you.
I thought a lot that week about you. I bet you had no idea how much of a ripple effect your one decision would have had on me. How could you, when you knew nothing about me? A sexual assault is enough for anyone to break but because you did not know me you had no idea that a year and a half prior to that night my mom died. The combination of traumas in such a short time frame nearly took my life. I question if you ever think about what you did, if you have remorse, and if it haunts you the way it haunts me.
I have spent much of the last 10 years going through phases of feelings about you and that night. I have wanted to kill you. I have hated you. I have felt the deepest level of sadness and despair because of you; and at times I have felt indifference.
You robbed me of everything I had known of myself for 19 years. You stole my innocence, trust, hope, safety, and openness. Did you know that trauma survivors' brain neurons rewire; creating “trauma loops” which is why triggers are so extreme because something as simple as a movie scene can make you feel like you are reliving it. Do you know that it gets ingrained into your DNA and lives in your body forever? Did you know that suicide rates skyrocket after a sexual assault? Did you know that I thought about it after months of feeling like I was physically suffocating in my own shell of a body? I said to my counselor that first year, that I died the night you attacked me. Your decision took my choice to have a certain type of life. One that involved a level of innocence and naivety to the wrong and evil of the world. But when I left your house I had to come to terms that the life that I had before was gone and I had to choose the life that I could have next. I walked out of your house a different person and one that I didn’t recognize for years. But I know her now and I’m going to make sure you do too.
In the last 10 years I have had to rebuild and reclaim myself. I had to learn how to love myself again and regain control over my body and my life. But what has surprised me is all the things I have come to learn and all the things I have done since you.
Since that event I started my own company that helps people heal from chronic pain, and we have an advocacy portion that helps survivors of sexual violence heal and raise awareness. I have hosted fundraisers, co authored books, and have spoken in front of hundreds of people sharing my story of surviving your attack. I even shared my story in the quad of our university, right where I met you. Many people have asked me how I am brave enough to talk openly about my attack. My answer is simple. I thought I was going to die that night, and then many times again that first year. When I chose to live and fight, that experience made me fearless in a way. It made me tough, and for a while, even hardened. This trauma sparked a fire in me.
That fire lasted 8 years. It allowed me to fight through the first few years of my career and share my story. It allowed me not to break with every story I was told from another survivor. It kept me angry and hungry for change. I befriended and harnessed my rage for years. Channeling it into purpose and for good. But being in Alaska I came to realize a few things about this feeling.
I thought for a long time that I needed it because I thought it was the thing that allowed me to become the woman I am today. I thought it was what made me strong and resilient. But being in such peace and beauty made me realize that my rage and hatred for you just gives you power and takes the power away from me. It keeps you alive and a part of my current story. It was then that I realized my rage was never my source of power; it was my ability to continue to love.
I have pondered what forgiveness and strength mean to me for a long time. I used to think that by not forgiving you it gave me power over you. But I was wrong. My anger and rage had a purpose when it did but at the end of the day, it is and was, still just rage and anger. Those two things silently eat at you and take up space where you could have peace and joy.
I have recently gotten to place in my life for the first time that I no longer feel that I am just surviving. This shift in feelings did not come from anger, rather, it came from love. I met someone that embraced all of me. My scars, my passions, my anger, and my joy. I started to thrive when I learned how to open my heart up and to let someone in. But to love with all I have means that I have to make more room. I have to push my anger, resentment, and hatred out of the way to go all in. And you are the last thing I need to push out.
We are a part of each other’s story and always will be. Whether we like it or not your one action has created a ripple effect in both of our lives. I have heard it has caused you a lot of fear and hiding. I am sorry for you and that you have had to live that way. I did know a thing or two about fear because of you the first few years after you attacked me; but then I learned how to make you afraid and I liked it. I liked that I had your name and could use it at any time. I liked that you are documented in the system so if you ever do something like that again you will go straight to jail, no questions this time.
I have watched so many movies about love and “how it conquers all” and honestly I felt like it was kind of corny and cliche. I didn’t fully understand what it meant. But what I realize now is that if I choose to stay angry and I use my work to scare you then I am equally a part of the problem. In my lifetime I want to make a dent in reducing sexual assaults and the only way we are going to be able to do that is through love. You didn’t do what you did because you were pain free. I believe you did what you did because you were wounded and self destructive. I don’t know who made you feel powerless but I am sorry someone did that to you. I feel bad for what you must have gone through in your life to make you do what you did. People don’t just choose to be violent and hurt others, they learn how to.
I know you have seen the news and the #metoo movement. There are a lot of men like you that have made similar decisions. We can’t go back and we can’t change the past, but we can damn well change the future. We will continuously fight this battle and lose if we lead with anger. I have used my experience to help others and will continue to do so. I hope that you have actually changed and continue to work on yourself. I hope you learn about love and heal whatever was broken in you. I hope you change another man’s heart and prevent others from doing what you did.
I may not be ready to say “I forgive you,” but I do know that 10 years later, I forgive myself and have relieved myself from any blame I have carried. I am so grateful I chose to survive those first few years. I had no idea how much beauty could come from such pain. I may have lost much that night, but I have gained far more since then.
I am writing this letter to say goodbye to you, my rage, and pain. I am choosing to lead this next chapter of my life with love because my husband deserves that, my future kids deserve that, and most of all I deserve it.
I hope you choose to do the same.
-Ashley