Indecisiveness: Getting Free of the Prison of Indecision
Problematic Indecisiveness has far reaching effects on happiness
Standard decision making tools don't work because they don't address the root cause
I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure, goes the famous joke by comedian Tommy Cooper.
Witty as this one liner is, it points to the extent that indecisiveness can pervade our lives. It prevents us from committing to our lives, taking actions that are important to us. We sit on the side-lines, fearful we’ll make the wrong decision, screw up or end up deeply regretful. Our work suffers, our relationships wither and our happiness diminishes. It undermines our very ability to trust ourselves and our knowledge of who we are. We end up paralysed in a prison of indecision and unable to move forward in life as we choose to.
Making decisions requires us to choose and commit to a certain life pathway, whilst at the same time, saying no to the alternative. Here’s some I’ve faced so far this week:
· Shall I have oatmeal or toast for breakfast?
· Shall I go for a run or take a nap on the couch?
· Shall I live in the UK or move back to New Zealand?
· Shall we try for a third child or stick with the two we have?
In each of these, you can hear the potential for one door to be opened and another one to be closed. Some of these decisions are of course less impactful; while some are deep and wide reaching.
Problematic indecisiveness is a common feature of modern living, in part as a result of the increase in choices that is now available to us. However, some people glide through life, making choices with ease, committing and seemingly able to deal with the consequences. But for others, decisions are incredibly fear inducing; and there are typically 3 reasons for this:
Perfectionism – my decision must be the right one and there is no room for error. All the options must be carefully weighed to eliminate any possibility of the incorrect decision being made, which would prove I’m a failure or worthless.
Fear of regret – I’ll make the wrong decision and end up regretting it. The regret will be overwhelming and I won’t be able to handle the sadness and loss.
Need to please – I need to make sure everyone is happy and my decision doesn’t negatively affect anyone in my life. If someone is negatively affected, it will confirm I’m a selfish mean person.
Of course, these can occur to together and make decisions even harder. Although the descriptions are important, it’s the drivers (in italics above) that are the most important part. These are the parts that fuel indecisiveness and often come with a lot of old history. That is why well-meaning decision making tools (decision lists, for/against tables, stream-lining) can fall flat for people who have problematic levels of indecisiveness.
Know your Whys for your Whats. When it comes to making a decision (a What), check in with your Whys. Another way to say it is your purpose or your meaning. Consider what really matters to you in the situation in which you need to make a decision and ask yourself, “If this decision was about something really important, what would that be? And what step would I take that could head me in that direction?”. This shifts the decision from something to be avoided, to something to be approached.
There is no perfect decision. Every decision you make will simultaneously open one door and close another. Each therefore has opportunity for sadness and regret. If you choose to have kids or not; if you choose to stay living where you are or not; if you choose to stay in your job or move. Once you acknowledge this and realise regret is everywhere, you can be more open to the positives of the decision you actually make.
Process not outcome. Treat decisions as a journey to embark on, rather than a destination to reach. The journey is about YOU, making decision. Decisions that are precious, important and imperfect. They are yours to keep and look after. Allow yourself to recognise that each decision is part of your journey of being you, where you listen to your heart, and do the best you can to make your way forward.