5 Strategies to Keep Your Envy in Check
We live in a society which worships at the altar of achievement. According to a national survey of 10,000 students, almost 80% of youth identified high achievement or happiness as most important to them, while only 20% selected caring for others.
In our fiercely competitive society, humility has taken a back seat for pride and self-promotion. A scroll through social media confirms this reality. This is an arena where people boast about their latest work and academic achievements. Gluttony is abundant as people show off fancy cars, lavish homes and luxury vacations.
Such an environment reinforces social comparisons. However, there is a trap. We are not using an accurate measuring stick. We hold a narrow definition of success and compare ourselves to people we identify as more successful. We neglect the blessings in our life and embark on the endless quest for more.
These lopsided comparisons result in envy. It is a painful emotion that results from coveting what others have. If left unchecked, envy can evolve into a destructive force that damages your self-esteem as you drown in feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. Envy can also sabotage your interpersonal relationships if you harbor ill will for others and revel in their failure.
We need strategies to avoid the pitfalls of envy. One cannot gracefully achieve their personal and professional goals without keeping their envy in check.
Here are 5 such strategies.
1. Examine your Envy
Many people feel shame when they experience envy. They view it as a character defect. Hence, they try to repress such thoughts and feelings. This strategy is counterproductive because it can exacerbate them.
Envy is a universal emotion that has been present forever. Aristotle described it as “the pain caused the good fortune of others.” According to a recent study, more than 75% of people reported feeling envious of someone in the last year.
In fact, envy serves a purpose. It leaves behind clues about what we want in life. It can also provide us with a powerful boost in motivation to reach our goals as we emulate people we identify as more successful.
The key is to harness this emotion and keep it at a healthy range. When envy makes an appearance, do not suppress it. Rather, examine the experience with curiosity and self-compassion.
Ask yourself:
What do they have that I covet?
Why do I covet it?
Is there a chance that I am overestimating the impact that the coveted object will have on my happiness and life satisfaction?
2. Study their Success
Envy stems from desiring what others have. It is the difference between what we have and what others have. There are only two ways to make up the difference. You can tear someone down to your level or push yourself to reach their level.
Instead of tearing someone down, use their success as an opportunity for personal growth. Take the time to study their success. It leaves behind crumbs that can help you achieve your goals.
As a personal example, I have been prone to envy when I find out that a colleague is publishing a book. This is a personal goal that I am working on. Instead of drowning in feelings of inadequacy, I use envy as a trigger to study their success. I study how they built their author platform, who is their literary agent and research ideas that may be pertinent to my work.
The truth is that success does not occur in a silo. It takes a dose of humility to admit that many have paved the way for us to achieve our goals. For example, I would not be the physician I am today if it were not for countless people who supported me along my journey including family members, mentors and instructors.
Learn how to appreciate the success of others. Put your pride aside and accept that you have a lot to learn from their achievements. Emulation enables us to grow and reach our goals.
3. Avoid the “Either-Or” Fallacy
We often engage in distorted ways of thinking that affect our perception of reality. An example is the “either-or” fallacy.
According to this cognitive distortion, we falsely believe that achievement is a zero-sum game. In other words, if someone succeeds then I cannot enjoy the same level of success. However, this is not the case. Just because someone achieves their goal, this does not mean that you cannot reach your goal, even if they are similar.
As a personal example, I remind myself that colleagues can write a book AND I can also write a book, even if the topics are similar. Their success does not preclude me from achieving a similar goal.
At the end of the day, it is possible for you and others to reach the top of the mountain. After all, we are all climbing a different mountain.
4. Keep the Perspective
Envy has a way of making us lose perspective. We become so preoccupied with coveting what others have that we forget to appreciate the blessings in our life. This is the equivalent of wanting to reach the top of the mountain and failing to appreciate the journey leading to the destination.
Take a moment to appreciate the blessings in your life. Gratitude is a powerful force that can soften envy’s sting.
As a personal example, I find that gratitude meditation helps me stay grounded. I devote 10 minutes every day to experience gratitude for the blessings in my life. This exercise reminds me that it is not all doom and gloom when envy rears its ugly head.
Another strategy to regain perspective involves examining your timeline for goal setting. We tend to underestimate the time it will take to complete a future task, known as the planning fallacy. We often expect too much too soon and become discouraged when we fail to meet our lofty expectations. This makes us vulnerable to abandoning our goals which further fans the flames of envy.
We are quick to abandon our goals when, in reality, we often need to adjust our timelines. Your most appropriate course of action may be to give yourself more time to reach your goals. After all, life is a marathon, not a sprint.
5. Stop idealizing success
Success has a way of triggering envy. We believe that success is a certain path to happiness. It is only natural to experience envy when others advertise their achievements. Their success must mean that they are happier than us.
Do not confuse success with happiness. I have worked with plenty of High-Achievers who are suffering behind a façade of success. There is no correlation between success and happiness. I would argue that many use their achievements as camouflage for how they truly feel.
In summary, envy is a universal human emotion. It can provide us with valuable clues, inspiration and motivation to reach our goals. The key is to keep your envy in check before it drags you into an abyss of inadequacy and inferiority.