The Hidden Challenges of Being Single During the Pandemic
Relationship status is one variable that has shaped our experiences of the pandemic.
The number of people who live alone has increased during this time.
Being single has come with many challenges: Singles feel lonely, invalidated, have no bandwidth to date, crave touch, among other hardships.
Here are some strategies on how to cope.
What has been abundantly clear this year is that the pandemic does not affect us equally, and relationship status is one variable that profoundly shapes our experiences of the pandemic. With the rate of marriage at an all-time low and the number of people who live alone increasing, it is vital that we recognize the impact of the pandemic on single people. The term “single people” encompasses a heterogeneous group which includes single parents, people who became single during the pandemic, people who were single going into the pandemic, people who live alone, and people who live with roommates. Each of those subsets faces different challenges.
I recently surveyed viewers on Instagram, asking them to complete this sentence:
“Being single in the pandemic is hard because__.”
Hundreds of people from around the world offered their experiences. My graduate assistants and I conducted an informal qualitative factor analysis of the responses and derived 10 major themes. They are listed below with sample quotes from the “data.” If you are single, I invite you to notice your thoughts and feelings that arise in you as you review these. If you are in a relationship, review these themes with an eye toward empathy as many respondents expressed that they felt misunderstood and minimized by those who are in relationships.
Major themes
1. Loneliness (this was by far the most common theme)
“The loneliness is unending.”
“To me, home is a person not a space; not having someone to call home whilst at home feels adrift.”
“When you meet someone, you don’t know if they’re lonely or wanting to be in a relationship.”
2. Difficulty of dating in a pandemic
“Feels inauthentic to date online. Subtle nuances are replaced by emojis vs. physical connections.”
“Online dating sucks.”
“Dating right now feels more casual and serious at the same time.”
“People are bored, conversations are boring, nothing is happening.”
3. No bandwidth to date
“Exhaustion from single parenting during a pandemic leaves little energy for dating.”
“How do you start a relationship while still struggling to maintain friendships while distancing?”
"I want to date but I don't have the mental bandwidth with everything going on. It's hard."
4. Skin hunger
“I miss sex.”
“Desperate thirst for physical contact! Of any form!”
“Sometimes you just want a hug.”
“Not being physically touched is heartbreakingly painful.”
5. Absence of emotional support
“You have no one to tell everything to.”
“Nobody to turn to in the night when my fears come out to play.”
“If I get sick, there’s no one to help me.”
“You really have to do everything yourself, you can’t even safely pay others to come help you.”
6. Losing precious time, fear of not becoming a parent
“I’m at an age where every year matters if I hope to have kids.”
“I’m 39 and want a family. Feels like I’ve lost valuable time to find a partner to have that with.”
"A year went by that I could have spent investing in a relationship."
7. Feeling misunderstood or invalidated by those in relationships
“People view me as strong and independent, therefore they see no reason to check in.”
“You are never prioritized because everyone is focusing on their family units.”
“No touch from partner, child, animal that likely those with families take for granted.”
8. Self-criticism
“Not feeling my best self right now, why would someone else want this version of me?”
“It’s a constant reminder of why you are alone, reliving the past. All the losses that brought you here.”
"My relationship ended two months ago and my feelings of worthlessness feel amplified."
9. Compounded grief
“It complicates the grief and loss felt around the ending of previous relationships.”
“I got divorced just before the pandemic. It’s a new level of being alone and I’m without my support system.”
"Just broke up and it's really hit me. So hard to adapt. From full of attention to nothing."
10. Actually, I’m better than ever
“It has given me no choice but to dig deep, grow, feel, and change, so, to me, it’s a blessing.”
“It’s actually been a gift! I’ve taken on learning about Relational Self-Awareness.”
“Actually makes me feel less motivated to find a partner after this. I feel very self-sufficient.”
My team and I felt big swells of compassion and care as we reviewed these responses. If you are single and struggling, I hope these responses remind you that you are not alone in your struggle. If you are in a relationship, I hope these responses invite you to proceed with care. As many people reminded me, single folks do not need pity or even sympathy. Single folks need empathy, inclusion, and respect.
Some Strategies for Coping
It helps to know that you’re not alone in your experiences. And here are some steps you can take to help you cope with these challenges.
1. Feel your feelings.
Feeling sad is hard enough. Resist the urge to add a layer of judgment to your emotion (for example, “I should be strong/independent/OK”). I love this practice by Hilary Jacobs Hendel for processing sadness.
2. Reach out.
One of the sneaky side effects of loneliness is that it can distort our thinking. We may get focused on the question: “Why is nobody reaching out to me?” Rather, ask the question: “Who can I reach out to today?”
3. Honor skin hunger.
Humans need touch. It’s the first sense that we develop in the womb and it is an integral part of our experience throughout our lives. Many people who are single have gone without touch for a year at this point. Here are some practices you can (and should) be doing to care for yourself until you can give and receive touch with others again: wrap yourself in a weighted blanket, give yourself a scalp massage, masturbate, dance, practice yoga, wear cozy clothes that feel great against your skin, take hot baths, massage your skin with lotions or oils that smell good to you. Side note: I hate how many of these practices are associated with the feminine. Men and male-identified folks, please remember that all of these apply to you as well.
4. Invest in yourself.
My friend Sheri Salata, former Executive Producer of Oprah, says that during a pandemic, our challenge is to “spin gold.” How might you use this time to continue to become your youest you?
5. Remember that being single is a descriptor of your life, not a statement of your worth.
Stigma against single people is real and heartbreaking. If you feel shame or embarrassment about being single, please know that you inherited this narrative from a collective that carries judgment about singlehood. Remember that this thinking is flawed and untrue.
While there are many things that can be celebrated about being single, there are many challenges as well, and this last year has magnified those challenges. I hope that this post offers comfort, validation, support, and ideas for new ways to explore, understand, and cope.