Online Dating: From Challenge to Adventure
While online dating and dating apps were increasingly popular before the pandemic, research suggests that dealing with the isolation of being sheltered in place seems to have added to their use.
Surveys conducted by Morning Consult between April 20-24, 2020, with 2,200 American singles found that 31% reported "somewhat more" use of online dating apps during quarantine. Twenty- two percent reported using dating apps “much more” than before the pandemic and nearly half of those using a dating app said they logged on every day.
If you are going to venture into dating apps and online dating, here are some guidelines that may turn it from feeling like an impossible challenge to a positive personal adventure.
Guidelines:
Bring Yourself to Online Dating
Regardless of the site you choose, the best things to bring to online dating are curiosity, self-reflection, authenticity, patience and a sense of humor.
Online dating is very different than shopping for the item with the most stars. If you consider it a process rather than the search for the “ perfect partner,” it reduces the anxiety and offers the opportunity of learning about self while meeting others.
Ken Page, author of Deeper Dating suggests that key to finding the right person is knowing self. Before you get caught in “who you want to meet,” he suggests you identify your core values and enduring passions.
What have you loved in your life that you never stopped pursuing? What qualities do you have that your closest friends and relatives cherish? What makes you laugh?
If someone you meet shares some of those passions or seems to enjoy or appreciate those qualities in some way – take a closer look.
Create Your Online Profile - Truth or Dare
When it comes to creating a profile for yourself, less is more and authenticity is crucial.
While everyone wants to present herself/himself in a good light, little is gained by describing a fictionalized version of yourself intended to please all.
You are not alone if you are wondering who is really telling the truth and whether you should dare to be yourself.
Choose a picture, other than your Prom Picture, that you really like and present yourself as a person interested in meeting others who might match some aspects of you. Just a glimpse is far better than an autobiography.
For example – Do you love being in the out-of-doors or… prefer museums, know every sports team, enjoy exercising, love food but hate cooking, love laughing…
Rethink Getting Enough Clicks or Winks
A profile designed to have universal appeal may bring hundreds of clicks; but that is not necessarily a good thing.
Many clicks tend to leave people feeling overwhelmed and faced with the impossible challenge of discerning who is real and who is right for them!
This fits with what has been described by Ben Schwartz, in his book by the same name, as The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less.
According to this theory, the more choices we have, the more anxiety, decision fatigue or choice overload we feel. With too many choices, we are less able to make a decision or feel that the one we finally make is a good one.
Even if it takes many rounds, It is far better to have a few people responding to your specific profile, then many responding to a generically appealing description.
Worry Less About Rejecting Someone
What do you do when you meet someone who likes you more than you like them?
There are many wonderful people who struggle with interpersonal relationships because they have been well trained to care for others – at a cost to self. Over-involvement in someone else’s need at a cost to your real feelings jeopardizes decision-making and choices.
The best response to someone who persists in contacting you, despite your expressed wish not to move on, is to thank them and move on. If that feels like too much-simply stop responding.
Few people want to be with someone who stays connected out of pity or obligation.
Recognize That There Will be Some Deception
A The New York Time article entitled “Love, Lies and What they Learned,” addressed the question of online deception with reported research. The article suggests that there is actually less deception on sites where people are seeking long term romantic partners -given that the initial emails and conversations eventuate in face-to-face meetings.
According to this report, there is some minor deception found in online dating that is driven by the wish to make a positive first impression. Women, for example, describe themselves as 8.5 pounds lighter. Men lie by 2 pounds about weight but men lie more often about height, rounding up a half inch.
The report suggests that a few lie about age. I would add from my discussions with those using online dating that some lie about age because they feel trapped in a profiled age category.
In the study, no one seemed willing to talk openly about politics, but particularly in the present culture, most people are likely to reveal their leanings as conversations unfold.
Most people who are not trying to deceive or con – reveal their actual age ( usually not their weight) as the conversation unfolds.
Avoid Hackers and Scammers
The best way to limit wasting time with imposters or “catfish,” as they are called, is to stop responding to anyone who trips your “emotional smoke detector” as offensive, pushy or inappropriate in some way.
JeffCohen’s 30 Minute Guide to Online Dating offers six common sense tips to avoid deception. Be concerned:
1. When a person avoids certain topics
2. Acts funny when receiving calls if you are out on a date
3. Cancels a lot and makes excuses
4. Has omissions and inconsistencies in his/her profile
5. Refuses to talk about certain periods in their life
6. Does not know things most people would know – important events, important dates in their own life etc.
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7. Wants too much too soon.
Move Forward With Caution as well as Excitement
Some people believe dating in a pandemic - given the need for social distance, mask wearing and caution about physical intimacy - offers a litmus test for judgement, patience, enhanced desire as well as space to know and be known before becoming physically involved.
Believe in you own sexual timetable. There are no rules that necessitate intimacy because “the other” is insisting it is time.
Give yourself the option of self-reflection as to why, when, degree of mutual desire and space for mutual discussion with the new partner. If mutual considerations aren’t possible in the early stages of a relationship – they won’t get easier.
Let the Adventure Unfold…
Be flexible to unexpectedly liking someone or trying something new.
Use laughter as an indicator that something positive with possibility is happening.
Remember, when situations turn our ridiculous or disappointing – You have another interesting life story.