For a Successful Life, Embrace Successful Failure
Over the past few weeks, I have re-watched several movies about traveling to space: Apollo 13 and The Martian (Also Star Trek, but that has nothing to do with this post. Also, spoilers ahead.). The Martian tells the fictional story of a trip made to Mars by NASA, which unintentionally leaves a man behind, and how he survives. And, of course, Apollo 13 recreates the true story of a trip to the moon that went horribly wrong in its own way. Both stories end happily, but not without some harrowing moments. At the end of Apollo 13 the character played by Tom Hanks says, “Our mission was called the successful failure in that we returned safely but never made it to the moon.” I love that line. That brief statement contains so much wisdom for moving through adulthood with intention. Instead of striving for perfection, get comfortable with embracing successful failure.
There is much about moving from college to life after college that is trying to figure out how to build a successful life, and how, perhaps, to avoid failure. While no one really enjoys failing at things, we all know, at least intellectually, that there is much more to learn from the times when we screw things up than when we are successful. There is a famous quote (which may or may not be accurate) attributed to Thomas Edison that says, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” That may be all well and good when trying to invent the lightbulb, but I’m not sure the rest of us have the time or the energy to try 10,000 different ways to build a life.
Historically we have privileged success in this country, and not just any success, but that which is defined by accumulating wealth, accomplishments, and lifestyle. We privilege the idea of “making it” on one’s own, despite that in the history of mankind, no one has ever done so. There is some good news: a 2019 study reported that more Americans are achieving success according to their own views ("personal success") than what they believe to be society's views ("perceived societal success"). But, of course, this is still a capitalist society, and that means that some will succeed at the cost of others. Where there is success, there must also be failure.
Failure is built into our educational system, the system that theoretically prepares people to launch successfully into the world. Failure is, quite literally, what the ‘F’ stands for. Without the F, there can be no A, as one defines the other by its very existence. We know what failure looks like because we know success, and vice versa. But what about that messy part in the middle? We don't spend enough time talking about that part. That’s where the real growth and learning happens.
One of the hardest parts of moving from college to adulthood is learning that there are no grades in life. After sixteen-plus years of understanding you ought to be working for A’s, and working to avoid those F’s, you are spit out into the world with platitudes about “doing good” and “staying true to who you are” and “finding something that you love” when all you really want to know is, “How will I be successful here? And what does that even mean?”
The hard truth is you have to do the work, mostly on your own, to figure out those answers. Sure, there are metrics for success at work, and failure might look like not meeting them. But when it comes to creating a life that has meaning to you and aligns with your values and strengths and interests, that’s going to require some successful failure. It’s going to be challenging. It’s not always going to be fun. It might even be a little painful. But with practice, you will figure it out.
Here I would like to point to two additional quotes from these movies. In Apollo 13 Ed Harris’s character says, “Let’s work the problem, people. Let’s not make things worse by guessing.” And, in the final scene of The Martian, Matt Damon’s character says to a class of aspiring astronauts, “You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem, and you solve the next one, and then the next. And if you solve enough problems, you get to come home.” Again, this is solid advice for life, too. Don’t just guess and flail around, wondering why you aren’t getting anywhere. Work the problem, one step at a time. You don’t need a twenty-year plan. All you need to figure out is what happens next. Think about:
Where am I now? Take time to define your current reality, including opportunities for growth, what you do and don’t like about your role, your location, your manager and co-workers. What are the best and worst parts of your life? Write down what you have learned about yourself, so far.
What are my skills, interests, and strengths? Make a list of the things you do well, the things you like to do, the things at which you uniquely excel. How well does your current role allow you to use those things? How well does your life align with who you want to be?
Where would I like to be, in six months to one year? Get focused and define where you want to be in the future. Not too far out, just six months to a year from now. It could be more of what you’re currently doing. It could be a different role, a different organization, a different industry. You might want to physically move locations. Avoid statements like, “I would do anything,” or “I would go anywhere.” Neither are true, and neither are helpful.
What am I missing, that is preventing me from getting there? Once you identify what that next step is, it’s time to get honest about your gaps. What is holding you back? Is it your resume or your experience? Is it your willingness to move forward? Be as specific and detailed as possible.
What is the best next step to move forward? Once you know what your goal is and what you are missing, identify specific, strategic actions you can take to get there. Take one step. And then take the next. And then take the next. That’s how you continue to move forward.
The messy middle is uncomfortable. And, this is where the successful failure happens, where you try something and it doesn’t exactly work, not 10,000 times, but enough that you learn something of value for the next time. This is where you’re challenged to do something differently to get a different outcome. This is where you learn whether you have a bias to curiosity and to growth, two key mindsets for lifelong learning, or whether, at the slightest hint of failure, you give up.
Nothing about adulthood is perfect. It was never meant to be. Very few people are out here living an A+ life. It’s very easy in this age of social media to look at your friends and colleagues and think that they have it all figured out, that their lives are somehow more successful than your own. But then you must remind yourself that social media is a still photograph whereas life is a moving picture. In comparison, you diminish both their achievements and your own. And eventually you learn that the only life, the only definition of success, that matters is the one you work to create for yourself.