Falling in Love—What Comes Next?
Romance can be a powerful intoxicant that can lead us into an illusion of ideal compatibility.
Impassioned bursts of romance can ultimately implode in post-romantic stress disorder, which can shorten the life of a relationship.
Be wary of what you wish for in a partner.
What a rush! A true dopamine moment.
Go on a romantic fantasy and imagine meeting an exciting, attractive stranger. Instantly, you find yourselves mesmerized in a deep mutual gaze, both of you gobbling up every delectable moment of your impassioned encounter. Then in the twinkling of an eye, flushed with unharnessed ebullience, you are convinced you have, at last, found your one and only true love, your soulmate.
Post-Fantasy Reality
OK, so, let's stop the fantasy, sober up, and return to our better reasoning, our higher brain, and consider what science says about speedy, whistle-stop courtships. In fact, they are a poor prognosticator of sustainable, longer-term relationships. Not uncommonly, these wonton love frenzies, as many of them might be called, often include a rush to sex, followed by a hasty chaser of unthinking commitment.
Into Complexity
An easy argument can be made that from their very heated beginnings, romantic partners "sleepwalk" into the foray of the most complex relationship of all, as "romantic somnambulists." Not surprisingly, these same dopamine reward systems of the brain are also involved in obsessive-compulsive disorders.
Moreover, these initial impassioned bursts of romance, unleashed by the pleasuring rush of dopamine, make our romantic partners a wishing well of our most dreamy, quixotic desires. But the chances are great this easy-mix romantic cocktail will ultimately implode in a sooner rather than later, post-romantic stress disorder, which can shorten the life of the relationship.
The truly romantically smitten temporally bask in a shared illusion of presumed compatibility, a mutually celebrated "sameness." "We are so much alike ... we share the same interests ... we have so much in common." Amazingly, lovers are easy prey to the assumption that their "compatibilities" will last a lifetime. In his famous pastoral comedy, As You Like It, Shakespeare wrote, "Love is merely a madness."
Romance's Duplicity
Romantic love is deceptive because it is character-based, meaning we perceive appealing traits in our romantic partners and because we really don't thoroughly know them, we readily make of them whatever we need them to be. Caution: These trait-based affections rest upon an ever-shifting, shaky ground of perception; traits found appealing today may irritate tomorrow. Further, our romantic partner's quick, easy, and accepting smile can be taken to mean they will keep a lasting, unconditional affection for who we are, and more, little, if anything, will be required in return. More deception.
I too was a hapless victim of romance's allure. As a young graduate student, I remember telling a friend, "When I marry, it will be to an intelligent woman, because I want to respect her as much as I love her." Of course, my wish-filled aspirations and hopes were conventional, they were the usual way people think of finding a partner—look for the "right" qualities, and voila, you'll be immediately, lastingly, and securely in love. Search over, mission accomplished.
The Bad and the Good
Hooray! I found her, my intelligent, respect-worthy intimate other. She was a fellow grad student en route to her doctorate. We dated, our romance sizzled, we eventually married, and we've lived happily ever since, right? Well yes, but there's a lot more to the story. What do you think happens to my character-based affection—my respect for my wife's intelligence—when she uses it to outwit me, or when she finds the holes in my logic, or the flaws in my reasoning?
My wife's brainpower is indeed a welcomed and nurturing asset to our relationship but there are moments when it doesn't feel that way, and on some occasions, it can be grating, irritating and more, a source of conflict. Are these the signs and symptoms of post-romantic stress disorder? I think so.
Be careful, or perhaps better, be prepared for what you wish for, especially your romanticized, character-based wishes.