How to Build Your Children's Resilience During Your Divorce
The divorce may be the biggest challenge your children have ever faced. Even resilient kids may struggle.
Resilience is a skill that can be learned, whether your children were resilient before the divorce or not. These skills will help you too.
Resilient kids are confident, secure, and able to cope with strong feelings. They "bounce back" when things are tough.
Divorcing parents agree about one thing: they love their children and want to protect them from the damage of their divorce.
Resilient children “bounce back” or recover after difficult experiences and parents want their children to be resilient during and after the divorce. Unfortunately, parents often see their children as more resilient than they are. Children who were resilient before the separation or divorce may not have the resilience to adjust to their new family structure. While parents are focused on surviving the divorce, they may not realize that their children, even the ones who look “fine” on the outside, need help to be resilient. The divorce may be the biggest challenge the children have yet faced.
The good news is that resiliency is a skill that can be taught, learned, and practiced.
A search on Google has thousands of references to articles about raising resilient children. Not one (that I could find) addresses resiliency during and after their parents’ divorce.
Resilient children are confident, secure kids who know that they are loved, despite the divorce. They express their emotions and parents teach them to name their feelings. They are comfortable with all feelings; all feelings are OK. According to research, resilient kids are more likely to have better physical and mental health.
Here are some ways for you to help your children become more resilient during and after the divorce:
1. Divorce is a big change. Help them accept change as an opportunity for growth. Kids may say they don’t like or don’t want change. Change upsets the sense of normalcy but opens the path to positive growth and opportunities.
2. Try to maintain a daily routine as much as possible. This will help kids feel more stable. If you and your co-parent can have relatively similar daily routines, this will add to the sense of stability.
3. Your children are more vulnerable during the divorce and may be more sensitive or reactive. Teach your children ways to calm down through breathing, active outdoor exercise, or creative expression. These are early lessons in self-care. You can find age-appropriate breathing exercises on the internet. When your children are sad or angry, remind them of their calming skills. Reassure them that their feelings will pass, that things will work out.
4. Do some simple mindfulness exercises with your kids, such as savoring a bite of food for 30 seconds of chewing. This is also calming. You might make this a ritual at each meal.
5. Teach optimism. While not discounting your kids’ emotions, try to reframe difficulties to nurture a positive view. Try talking to them about how they successfully got through other hard times, such as moving, starting a new school, illness, or social problems such as bullying at school. When they talk about the divorce, focus on some of the positive changes, and remind them of their strengths. Ask your child to describe one of his personal qualities that he is proud of (fast, strong, smart, friendly, artistic, etc.) and ask how he could use this trait to help himself when he is feeling low.
6. Teach gratitude. Help your children document three things for which they are grateful every day. Over a few days or weeks, they will begin to more easily “look on the bright side.”
7. Show them what resiliency looks like. Model positive self-talk and listen more than you talk. When you make a mistake talk about it out loud. “I burned the pasta! I guess I wasn’t paying attention. I’ll start another pot and be more careful now.” (Don’t say “What an idiot, I burned it again! I don’t know why I even bother trying to make dinner. I give up.”)
8. Because your children are more fragile during the divorce, they may be more easily upset. Resist the urge to step in or rescue your children when they are frustrated or struggling. They will learn to accept delayed gratification.
a. It is OK to let them fail or make mistakes. A mistake is always a learning opportunity and teaches resiliency. Your toddler gets mad when he can’t do the puzzle; calmly let him know that if he doesn’t give up, he will figure it out.
b. Challenge unrealistic expectations. Perfectionism should never be the goal. Remind yourself and your kids that “not perfect is not failure.” So, when your child gets a C on a homework assignment, ask her what she thinks she can do about it.
c. Teach your kids to ask for help when they need it. Don’t finish your child’s science project “because he’s so tired.” Did he procrastinate? Talk about the consequences and ask him what he can do now.
d. Don’t provide all the answers. Let them think things through. Encourage this by asking questions. Teach them to problem-solve by considering and weighing options. If they face a decision, teach them to prioritize the factors that play into the decision. They will develop a sense of mastery and self-control. For example, if your teen wants to join a group and stay out past curfew, ask him what the possible ramifications might be. Perhaps he will agree to be the designated (sober) driver.
e. You can provide emotional support without rescuing your children. A warm, supportive relationship is important and during your divorce, your children will need the security of your calm and reassurance.
f. See yourself as a coach, not a manager. When they are stuck or frustrated, ask them how they might manage the problem or make it right. Ask them what they think they can do about it. For example, encourage your children to think about how they can talk to their other parent rather than complain about him or vent to you. Of course, if they ask for help, you can discuss that. Resilient kids don’t give up easily, so they often succeed at learning new skills or solving a problem.
g. Don’t try to eliminate risks. Encourage small, safe risks. For example, if your 9-year-old wants to talk to someone he’s intimidated by, help him visualize it with you. No matter the result, praise your children’s efforts. Resilient kids will develop determination and grit.
9. Try to teach them to face challenges. For example, if your children are now moving between two homes, this will be new and challenging. Don’t minimize the challenge and be sure to compliment their willingness to adapt.
10. Help them see shades of gray when they catastrophize. You can help them see the bigger picture, without black-and-white thinking. Your child might say about the divorce, “You’ve ruined my life!” And you could say “I know it feels that way now. What about the sleepover you’re having this weekend at dad’s?”
11. Encourage social connections which will offer support and be a distraction. Teach them to be good listeners and teach them to be empathic. Encourage them to help others, which will put their situation in perspective and give them a broader view.
Divorce will test your resilience too. As you teach your children these resilience skills, don’t forget to practice them yourself. Over time, you and your children will grow stronger and more healthy.