The Path of Resilience
After my Psychology Today post 13 Things Resilient People Do was published, I received messages from readers seeking both clarification and inquiry about the path of resilience. And so the purpose of this piece to do just this—explain more about the path of resilience. First, let me say, the path of resilience isn't happy-go-lucky. It is profound and there is pain, but is also replete with laughter, wisdom, and beauty. And during these uncertain times of the pandemic, our pain is evident both in the physical and emotional realms.
One of the reasons our emotional pain is extremely intense is that most of us to some extent fear change. We're now confronted with change on multiple levels: global, economic, health, and personal. Basically, the pandemic was a tsunami of change, and with it came great doubt, fear, uncertainty, and pain.
And yet, part of the path of resilience is how we view ourselves in the context of pain. This isn't about judging yourself or trying to right a wrong. Instead, this is about being very transparent with your thoughts. In doing so, also ask yourself some important questions: How do I handle emotional pain? Do I have a physical response to it? Do I tend to avoid it or minimize it? Do I deny it with filling it with food, shopping, a substance?
This inner work isn't easy, but resilient people are far from lazy.
How we look at ourselves in the context of pain can give us insight into how we tend to deal with it. Resilient people are very careful with the narrative they tell about pain. This doesn't mean they deny something horrific happens or pretend it doesn't deeply hurt them, but they are able to determine what are productive thoughts versus destructive ones. They know their thoughts can impact their feelings and thus influence their actions.
In 2007, shortly after my (now late) husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he took on the attitude of great acceptance and gratitude. This didn't mean he just waited to die or had given up; however, he was very realistic about the prognosis for his advanced adrenal cancer. He continued his gratitude journal practice, something he began in 2002, and filled his thankful lists with things including specific medical staff that provided compassion or a visit from a friend. In some sense, you may see this as a questionable example of resiliency because he clearly didn't "beat" cancer. And yet, on this journey, my husband challenged his negative physical state while still being able to see what is worthy in his daily life.
In seeing what is going well each day, resilient people are able to shift their focus from the pain, even if only for a brief time. The point is that this subtle shift uplifts their mood.
In years of doing research for my book about grief and loss, and in listening to thousands of widows, I've observed there is great power in finding something to look forward to. Resilient people will often tell me despite suffering a tragic loss, they were able to extend their vision to something good beyond their present day. This may mean they were looking forward to an upcoming family celebration, a book club meeting, a yoga class, or even a phone call. They felt the heaviness of bereavement, yet the lightness of looking forward to an experience. Focusing on what is going well each day helped them feel both a sense of self-control and optimism.
Also, on this path, resilient people believe there are things they still can control. And as such they tend to focus on those things, such as their thoughts and micro-actions. They know the small things they do, while they may seem insignificant to others, help their overall well-being.
Those on the path of resiliency also believe that goodness still exists in life. They seek out those that teach wisdom and practice kindness.
Creativity is also highly valued by those on this resiliency path. They understand creativity exists not only to enhance the human experience, but has its own storehouse of power. They set aside time to learn from others who create and to explore and nurture their own creativity.
And if you're stuck wondering what to do next when it comes to creative flow, my dear friend and mentor Dr. Deepak Chopra, who I interviewed for this exclusive Organic Spa Magazine piece, speaks about activating the flow of creativity.
Chopra says, “Creativity unfolds in the following steps: intended outcome, information gathering, information analysis, incubation-thru-meditation, spontaneous insight, inspiration, implementation, integration, incarnation.” Chopra adds, “It’s a shift in context, meaning relationship and story.”
The story we're telling ourselves about how we will emerge from this pandemic can shape not only how we connect with others but also our inner-being.