The Gift of Listening
In an age of disconnection, listening can be a powerful force that reestablishes connection even over great distances. So, next time you find yourself in conversation, practice some of these listening skills to enhance the connection and give the other person the gift of your attention and ear.
Acknowledgement: Even if you disagree with what the other person said, you can still show them respect by acknowledging what they said and pay attention to what they are feeling. This goes a long way in promoting healthy communication.
Validation: Validation is achieved when the listener identifies and verbalizes what the speaker is feeling and why they are feeling that way. This requires a keen ear and paying attention to what the speaker said and how they said it. If someone doesn’t feel validated, they will feel unheard and hurt. In this case, they will likely repeat themselves with greater volume and intensity.
Giving your attention is act of compassion
Reflection Statements: Verbalizing your understanding of what the other person said is very important to the communication process. This isn’t a silly exercise done for the purpose of just saying words. You are not to be tape recorder simply replaying what the other person said. Reflective listening means not just hearing the words, but understanding what the other person means. Then making a statement that shows you're understanding what the other person is saying. When you can do this, it lets the other person know you are tracking and comprehending what they are trying to get across.
Clarification: When you give a reflection statement, misunderstanding is bound to happen. Therefore, it is important to check-in with the speaker to see if you are tracking what they are saying. This can be done with short and quick questions, such as “Did I hear you right?” “Am I following you?” “Did I get that right?” “Was there anything I missed?” These statements are helpful since you may have understood some of what the speaker said but missed a critical piece of information that the speaker can then clarify.
Summarizing: If the speaker speaks at length, it can be helpful to summarize what they said. This helps the speaker know if you are tracking and lets them know that you are getting the gist of what they are saying. You don’t have to capture every detail of what they said, but if you can get the “heart” of what they said, this boosts healthy communication.
Observations: Making observations facilitates open and honest conversation. When you can notice and verbalize your observation that the speaker is hesitant, nervous, sad, happy, excited or confused, that lets the speaker know you are paying attention and that you are interested. Noticing tone of voice, body language, mood and emotional expression helps the speaker feel safe and can draw more out from them. It can also help the speaker process what they are feeling more effectively.
Listening can enhance your relationships
Open-Ended Questions: Open-ended questions are questions that typically start with “how” or “what.” But they can be phrased in different ways, too. They are intended to help the speaker process what they are feeling and thinking. It is not intended to elicit a “yes” or “no” response. These are closed-ended questions. They are more about exchanging information than processing.
Reassurance: You can give another person reassurance by making statements that lets the other person know you are interested in what they are saying, you are taking them seriously and you care about how they feel. People sometimes doubt the sincerity of the listener and feel the need to self-protect by either lashing out or shutting down. Reassurance diffuses that fear by letting the speaker know you care about what they are saying.