Finding Real Happiness in Our Pandemic Lives
When our nation was founded, and for the next century or two, it didn’t take much to make someone happy: Freedom to worship however they wanted, or not, the right to bear arms in order to protect themselves from the French and the British – especially since there was no real militia; a roof over their head, food to eat, wood for a fire; maybe a few coins from selling crafts made on the side. These things that we take for granted today meant everything for our founders.
Today, like yesterday, we are happy when our needs and wants are met. But for millions of Americans, some of these simple things are impossible to obtain. Why? The crushing reality of the Covid-19 pandemic. We are all challenged daily to survive its economic and health impairing fallout. But still, no matter our current circumstance, we each try to pursue temporary happiness. For some, especially those in dire situations, it may be a warm meal or a hand-me-down winter coat. For others, this pursuit has become connected to what might be termed “selfish” or, in the extreme, narcissistic behavior.
In our consumer-driven society, it takes ever more goodies, things, new apps, to make us happy. But the feeling of happiness is fleeting so we want to duplicate it over and over again. This behavior is living in the Now of present-centered, present hedonism. For many nowadays, the pursuit of happiness - and happiness itself - is in effect, being a “taker." For others of us, that isn’t cool. We want to know how we can find real happiness?
The Search for Meaning
What we might find in our hot pursuit of ready happiness, is that we may have lost the “meaning” in our lives. According to author Emily Esfahani Smith, “The amount of time people report feeling good or bad correlates with happiness but not at all with meaning. Meaning, on the other hand, is enduring. It connects the past to the present to the future.”
In a study in the Journal of Positive Psychology, researchers discovered that while negative events may decrease happiness, paradoxically they may increase the meaning in life. Traumatic or emotional experiences can build character and teach us hard lessons that make us more compassionate and give us a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. The study also indicates that compared to those people who did not have any life purpose, those people who did report having a purpose, in other words, meaningful goals which have to do with helping others, rated their life satisfaction higher – even when they felt personally “down and out."
These researchers state, “People who thought more about the present were happier, but people who spent more time thinking about the future or about past struggles and sufferings felt more meaning in their lives, although at the time of the survey, they were less happy.” Having meaning in our lives, in effect, is being a “giver.” Working through past grief, abuse, and failures should not just lead to regret and resignation, but rather resilience, resolve, and even post-traumatic growth. A meaningful life leads to greater compassion and empathy. We believe it comes from our personal transition from Ego-centrism to Socio-centrism.
Meaningful Happiness
We don’t have to be “takers” to experience happiness. We each know good from bad, right from wrong. Those basic values are embedded in most of us, even as children. And deep within us, we know the real meaning of happiness. Happiness can come from an observation of the beauty that surrounds us, or the sound of our favorite music or birdsong, or the taste of comforting food, or the touch of a loved one. These simple things can bring us happiness; happiness is the feeling of love — being loved and giving love.
We feel happy when someone shows us respect, offers a well-deserved compliment for how we look, or what we did or said. And so too paying it forward by giving others compliments, by making them feel special, liked, respected. Take time for self-reflection; explore where you are now in your life’s journey, and where would you like to be going. Our past has shaped us into the person we are today and can guide us toward the even better person we want to tomorrow.
Seeking Balance
During the extraordinarily difficult times we now live in, it's more important than ever that we express to all we know the gratitude we feel for their friendship and kindness. And, even more valuable for our well-being, to express forgiveness and acceptance to those who have hurt us in some way, and reciprocally ask forgiveness for our shortcomings with them.
A timely example of giving: Recently we’ve heard stories of people who gifted the recent government credit cards they received and felt they didn’t need to others who are in need, either personally or through organizations such as food banks or shelters. These givers could have put this government money in their savings accounts or purchased something fun. Instead, they realized that others who, through no fault of their own, are now struggling — sometimes for the first time in their lives — were in actual need. And so these givers were compelled to pay it forward.
Yes, it is time to clean up our old way of thinking and doing to start life anew — with vigor. We can choose to be present hedonistic takers, or we can be future-oriented givers by replacing self-centered taking with the pride of universal giving. We can work together, young and old, rich and poor to create a brighter future.
In an ideal today, we can work towards creating a legacy of hope and love through our growing compassion and empathy, even for those we find disagreeable. Let’s start together. Let's start now.