Resolutions That Stick
January - the beginning of the New Year - is a time of both refection and anticipation. We review the year that is passing and also formulate our hopes and dreams for the year to come. Engaging in this process is important. It’s all too easy to slide into living life on autopilot, going through the motions of our days without thought as to whether our choices are fulfilling. Many people living through quarantine in 2020 have described a feeling of numbness and disconnection from their inner worlds. The stress of uncertainty and limitation is grueling. Those of us who live with chronic illness have faced uncertainty and limitation well before quarantine, and we’ll continue to face them long after COVID is a memory. We know - all too well - that creating a meaningful life doesn’t just happen; rather, it takes purposeful engagement.
I’d like to share some of the strategies I use in my clinical work with clients seeking to make changes. Have fun with these exercises and let your mind imagine all that 2021 can bring you.
Explore your reasons for wanting change.
Taking the time to reflect on why your chosen goals are important provides clarity and purpose. Write a paragraph or have a conversation with a friend about your reasons for wanting to make a particular change. Don’t let yourself off the hook with a facile answer. “I want to spend less time on the Internet because it’s bad for me” is a beginning, but not an end. In what ways is it not optimal for you? What do you notice about yourself when you’re on the Internet? How does your body feel? Your mind? Your mood?
Pay attention to what you want MORE of.
Many resolutions are about limiting things that aren’t healthy for us. Perhaps we’re aware that we eat mindlessly or binge television in an attempt to numb feelings. We can characterize our rationale for wanting change as desiring less numbing, and we also can frame it as wanting to feel more alive. What are activities we could add into our lives that would make us feel more alive? Think about what you would like to add into your life as much as you think about what you would like to remove.
Make a plan using SMART goals to implement your resolution.
SMART goals are: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. When we use SMART goals, we create a map designed to get us from where we are to where we’d like to be. The more precise our map is, the smoother our journey will be. Instead of saying, “I’ll exercise more,” we resolve, “I’ll walk a mile on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at eight a.m.” By making our change-steps as concrete as possible, we give ourselves a recipe to follow, a “how-to” guide to change.
Face inner conflict.
Changing habits isn’t easy. As a client told me this morning, “There’s a part of me that WANTS to hold on to the bad habit.” It’s important to recognize that we get gratification out of the habits we hold onto, even when these habits don’t serve us in the long run. If we scroll the internet as a way to numb feelings, for example, it’s good to acknowledge that a part of us finds the numbing a relief - a solution to discomfort. When we find ourselves drawn to it, we can empathize with our wish to soothe ourselves while simultaneously recognizing that using the internet to self-soothe creates additional problems for us. Facing this inner conflict underscores that our own agency is paramount in determining how we live our lives.
Use positive language.
Ultimately, the choice of how we spend our days is ours. Try to move away from statements like, “I can’t drink that extra cup of coffee” and “I have to go to the gym today” to “I am choosing to drink water instead of coffee” and “I’m deciding to go to the gym today.” The recognition that we have freedom to choose is powerful. Our habits don’t trap us: WE trap ourselves. Acknowledging verbally that we have choices in our life is a powerful reminder that we hold the keys for change.
Maneuver in a space between structure and flexibility.
When we set SMART goals, we make a structure for ourselves. Inevitably, though, things will come up that interfere with the structure. We may not feel well on a day we are scheduled to exercise; there may be special occasions when we want to eat food that doesn’t have a lot of nutritional value. Occasional deviations from the structure are fine, but you’ll want to notice if you are deviating more than you’re adhering to your plan. Keep tweaking the plan until it works optimally for you. If you find yourself continually sleeping through the alarm that wakes you to exercise, for example, try scheduling your exercise later in the day. If cutting out all dessert feels too restrictive, try cutting out sweets at lunch but allowing them at dinner.
Expect setbacks.
Change is hard, and there are times we’ll fall short. That’s okay. We want to see change as a process. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, go back to your SMART goal and revise it into something that feels more manageable. A little change is better that no change at all - celebrate even a small gain!