How to Actually Grow from Adversity
It would be tempting and entirely understandable to run screaming from 2020 without looking back. It has been a challenging and unprecedented year. Unfortunately, if all we do is run away from hard times as soon as we can, we miss an opportunity for real growth. These precious moments – when hard times are behind us, but still fresh enough to remember clearly – are fertile soil for wisdom to grow. But only if we take the time to look.
Instead of running away, we can engage in a simple process of self-reflection to help cull the lessons from our experience. Some lessons are obvious, but many only emerge with time, space, and contemplation. Below is a simple process to help you discover what you can learn from your own hard times. You can use this framework in a journal, in a conversation with a confidante, or in a simple contemplation over a cup of tea.
First, create an atmosphere of care and kindness as you do this activity. Cultivate a feeling of curiosity and creativity as you reflect on your difficulties and try to find gleaming pearls of wisdom from within them. It can be challenging, and sometimes we may not want to find something “good” in events that have been so “bad.” This is understandable, but in the long run also tends to keep you stuck feeling bad, which only perpetuates the harm you’ve already experienced. A growth perspective can help you start to heal, which will serve your well-being better in the long run.
Review the timeline of difficult events from a bird's-eye view. Consider the top two or three most difficult moments. Validate that these events were indeed difficult, and if it helps you can even mentally list the reasons why it was so hard. For instance, “of course it was tough, that project really didn’t play to my strengths,” “I had so little time to rest during that period, no wonder it was so overwhelming,” “it was a struggle to use my healthy coping skills that whole time.” Send love and care back in time to the past-you that went through these painful experiences.
Notice if anything positive happened during your challenging times. Maybe a friend unexpectedly stepped forward to offer help. Maybe you had to learn a new skill to rise to the occasion. Maybe you and your coworkers found ways to laugh about the absurdity of the situation. If there was anything positive, take a few moments to savor and appreciate those people or things. You might even make your gratitude tangible by sending a thank you note.
Now start to brainstorm what you learned from your difficulties. Sometimes people have a hard time taking the big picture perspective that is needed to glean the richest lessons. If it helps, here are some sentence completions you might try:
I have learned that I am or I can… (insert new skills or positive qualities)
I have learned that people can be… (or do this with specific people, e.g. I have learned that my spouse is… I have learned that my friends are…)
I have learned that the world can be… (or do this with specific communities or settings, e.g. my job is… my neighbors are…)
From this experience, I was to remember that…
The most important thing I’ve learned is that…
As with all brainstorming, there are no wrong answers here. Try to complete each sentence multiple times, because sometimes the wisdom doesn’t emerge until pretty far along. The first few answers could be shallow, or even harsh and unhelpful (e.g. “I have learned that people are jerks”). Try to move away from black-and-white thinking and unhelpful sweeping generalities. If you can, try to add shades of grey (e.g. “I have learned that people act in unhelpful ways sometimes when they are scared”).
Notice if cynicism, anger, despair, or other painful emotions arise and color your lessons so that they seem unhelpful. If that happens, it might mean that your emotions are still too raw to do this practice.
After you’ve done some brainstorming, create a final document listing all that you have learned. You could put this in your journal and keep it to yourself or share it with others. It can be quite powerful and affirming to share our hard-won wisdom with others, and doing so can enrich and improve both your life and the lives of those with whom you choose to share. Also, other trusted people can provide perspective and sometimes even enrich our lessons further.
Harvesting wisdom from our difficulties is one of the most helpful ways to navigate tough times. If you’ve wanted to do this but struggled with figuring out how, hopefully these tips get you started.