R U Ready for Change?
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein
“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”
― Norman Vincent Peale
Tis the season for making New Year's resolutions, the kinds of promises you make to yourself or others that so often go unfulfilled as the new year unfolds. One reason that New Year's resolutions tend to have such little impact is that people may not be ready to change, despite their best intentions.
Change only happens in the present, if it happens at all. The editorial “they” are heard to say that the past is dead and the future is yet to be written. But the past weighs heavily on the present, as old habits of mind are tough to break. The future also poses mental traps that work against change, such as fears of making mistakes, appearing foolish, and failing. “They” have also been heard to say that the hardest things we ever face is changing how we think and how we act. As the writer James Baldwin put it, “People can cry much easier than they can change.” If change were easy, therapists might be as busy as a snow blower in Miami.
An important step in the change process is to recognize what we can control and letting go of the rest. This central tenet in cognitive behavioral therapy reflects the wisdom of the Stoic philosophers of ancient Greece and Rome. Marcus Aurelius, a leading Stoic philosopher who also happened to be a Roman Emperor, famously said, “You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” He also penned that “very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” We shouldn’t measure ourselves based on our accomplishments, but on our efforts to accomplish what we set out to achieve. We can’t control everything that happens to us in life, as we inevitably will experience setbacks and disappointments, despite our best efforts. But we can control how we respond to events we experience. We do have power over our minds to rethink our thoughts, test out our beliefs and preconceptions, and try out news ways of thinking.
Going for a Test Drive
In my clinical practice, I work with clients to help them get “unstuck” by assisting them in trying out new ways of thinking and relating to others. They perform mini-experiments by taking these changes on a kind of test drive in their daily lives to see how they work out. Sometimes the changes succeed and become part of their behavioral repertoire and sometimes they don't turn out well and we need to do a little tinkering under the hood, figuring out how to do things differently the next time. I've heard others offer a similar prescription for dealing with setbacks, saying that failure is not fatal—it is feedback. We may learn more from our disappointments than from our triumphs. But we need to have the mental set in the face of disappointment that enables us to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and press on.
As a case in point, the number of rejections that many famous authors encountered might very well test the will of even the most diehard optimist, and yet they persevered. Margaret Mitchell's novel, Gone with the Wind, was rejected 38 times, but went on to sell 30 million copies. Dr. Seuss's first book was rejected 27 times before finding a publisher. Imagine if the real life Dr. Seuss, Theodor Seuss Geisel, had simply taken "no" for an answer. What would childhood be like without the characters that populate the imagination of children worldwide? The master novelist of the legal thriller, John Grisham, felt the sting of rejection from 12 publishers for his novel, A Time to Kill, before it went on to sell some 250 million copies.
Change is a Process, Not an Event
Change is best conceptualized as a process, not as a singular event at a particular point in time. There’s a prelude to change involving the development of a readiness to change and a mental accounting of our ability to put changes into effect. People who resist making changes may be comfortable doing things in familiar ways. Sure, they say, they’d like to quit smoking, look for another job or relationship, or cut back on pastries, but they’re not ready to put even one toe in the water. Or they may have preset ways of thinking, believing that things are the way they are because that's the way things are and will always be. They may tell themselves they want to change, but when push comes to shove, shove pushes back and they stay put. If we come to recognize that change is a process that unfolds over time, we may become less likely to give up on ourselves when it doesn’t come easily at first. So . . .
R U Ready for Change?
First, are you ready to take a mini-quiz to see just how ready for change you may be? If so, please respond to these 10 true/false statements as they may apply to you:
1. I’ll change when other people change. (T or F?)
2. People don’t understand just how difficult my life has become. (T or F?)
3. I’m working really hard to make my life better. (T or F?)
4. I’m not perfect, but I don’t see a need to change myself. (T or F?)
5. I feel ready to make changes in my life. (T or F?)
6. When I think about making changes, something always gets in the way. (T or F?)
7. I believe I can accomplish what I set out to do. (T or F?)
8. I have to admit that what happens in life is largely the result of luck or fate. (T or F?)
9. When things don’t go right, I am willing to try and try again. (T or F?)
10. I would like to change, but need help getting started. (T or F?)
This is not a standardized measure, so there are no norms to share with you. But your responses can offer insight into your general readiness to change, as shown by “true” responses on items 3, 5, 7, 9, and 10, and “false” responses on items 1, 2, 4, 6, and 8. If your responses suggest some reluctance to be a change agent in your life, you may want to talk with a psychologist or counselor to identify and work through psychological barriers that may stand in the way of changing your life for the better. If you answered true to #10, you may be ready for change but lack confidence in yourself. Working with a psychologist or counselor can help you develop and implement the action strategies needed to make desired changes in your life.
Bear in mind that no one can change you—not a therapist, healer, or guru. Only you can change yourself. That said, it may be helpful to find a therapist to help guide you through the change process. Let me leave you with this thought from the famed mythologist Joseph Campbell, “The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come”. The question is, are you ready to shed your old skin?