How to Socialize With Someone Who is Shy
Interested in getting to know someone who is shy? You are in good company; cultivating a relationship with someone who is less gregarious than you may create a complementary pairing. Many outgoing people are not well paired with someone as talkative as they are, lest “conversation” become a competitive fight for airspace. But romancing the reserved might require a different type of social planning.
Socially Anxious and Shy: Distinguishing Discomfort from Disinterest
Some people feel socially awkward, at least upon meeting someone new, which can impact the way they behave. Due to factors ranging from culture to comfort, some people present socially as quiet or reserved in an initial meeting. If you want to warm up a cold introduction, however, there are ways to soften even the standoffish.
Hasagani Tissera et al. (2020) note that for individuals with social anxiety, especially within initial interactions, feelings of insecurity and anxiety can be debilitating.[i] They may be worrying about what you think of them, fearing the worst.
If you perceive someone might be socially anxious, whatever you do, don’t comment on it, even in jest. Most people know this instinctively, yet at the same time, feel comfortable making light of the fact that someone seems shy. But that might be similarly problematic because research (Brook and Willoughby, 2019) found that common methods of measuring shyness and social anxiety were really evaluating the same construct.[ii]
Other researchers note that shyness can precede social anxiety. Anke W. Blöte et al. (2019) studied the roles of negative social self-perception and social interpretation bias in the association between adolescent shyness and social anxiety.[iii] Shyness was reported by parents, while participants themselves reported social anxiety and mediator variables. They found that shyness predicted increased social anxiety over time.
Blöte et al. note that their findings suggest that adolescents who are shy and also have a negative perception about their social skills may develop social anxiety, rendering interventions designed to enhance the social self-perception of young people who are shy a valuable step in preventing the development of social anxiety.
Romancing the Reserved: Relational Rules of Engagement
Newsflash: shy people socialize just like everyone else. They just communicate differently. Being shy does not necessarily make someone an introvert. Many reserved individuals are active online, others burn up the phone lines engaging in lively conversation with people they feel close to emotionally. If you are building a relationship with someone who is socially shy, your goal is to make them feel comfortable, despite their social hesitancy. Pursuing the long game, you can enjoy a gradual getting-to-know-you process instead of rushing the relationship.
Social Planning for a Shy Partner
If you are planning a date with someone who is shy, strategize a setting that will facilitate substance over superficiality. Maya Asher and Idan M. Aderka in “Dating with Social Anxiety” (2020) note that planning longer periods of conversation (such as up to 30 minutes) may reduce anxiety. They found that although closeness-generating conversations might create momentary social anxiety, as compared with small talk, they found no evidence of anxiety increasing as conversation continued.[iv]
So if you are outgoing and outspoken, consider whether a reserved partner is a good fit for you, socially and emotionally, because relational mismatches cause frustration and disappointment. But because complementary personality traits can be healthy and rewarding, less extroverted partners can bring balance and relational harmony.