Why Some Friends Accept Your Support and Others Do Not
Watching a close friend experience emotional pain is upsetting and alarming. The desire to alleviate his or her distress may be intense. Several tips may help a person feel more equipped. Situations also exist when expert advice fails. A friend rejects support and indirectly blames the person who is trying to help. Understanding these interactions and assessing the level of a friend’s defensiveness may provide clarity.
A person's first impulse is usually to provide advice or tell the friend how to fix the problem. Yet, this may not be what he or she needs at the moment. Frequently, a friend who is experiencing overwhelming emotional pain feels very alone. A person who provides a calm and empathic presence is comforting.
Initially, try not to press for details or play the devil’s advocate. Allow the friend a safe, unchallenged, and unhurried space to disclose what he or she is feeling. As the friend is talking, listen for a feeling. When there is a pause, reflect and validate that feeling. For example, “You are devastated. You have every right to be. I get it.”
Imagine how it would feel to be in his or her shoes, then authentically communicate this understanding; “You are so hurt. I would be too. What happened is not okay.” The empathic statement allows a friend to feel understood, less alone, and connected to the person who “gets it.”
If the friend seems comforted by the empathic statements, stay the course, and continue to listen for different feelings. Next, reflect and validate. Emotions are often confusing and contradictory so supply the friend with a safe space to sort them out. If anxiety exists about empathizing with the correct emotion, utilize the term "upset." It is a feeling state which captures many others. "You are so upset. I can see. It's tough right now."
Allow the friend a chance to emote. Although it is difficult to watch a friend cry, the tears may be cathartic and necessary. Grabbing a Kleenex box and sitting with the friend as he or she cries is an empathic intervention.
After fully empathizing with the friend's experience, ask, “What would help right now?” Perhaps, going for a walk or doing some Tai Chi may take the edge off of the pain. Maybe cuddling the dog and watching a funny movie is appealing. Whatever the coping mechanism, try to join the friend, so he or she feels supported. Being in nature, engaging in a mind and body activity, cuddling a dog or cat, and laughing are activities that alleviate anxiety and release endorphins.
Collaborate on problem solving. A friend often feels empowered when able to solve his or her own problems, so provide a sounding board and offer suggestions, but graciously allow the friend to come to his or her own conclusions.
If the friend is making negative choices, it may be best to empathize with the feeling, but discourage the destructive impulse. For example, “You are mad. You have every right to be, but driving doesn’t seem safe right now.” Or “I know you are hurting, but taking it out on your body doesn’t seem like the best idea.” If he or she makes a self-destructive choice, it may be necessary to garner additional support. For example, “Is there a family member we can call?”
A friend who rejects empathy and is unable to identify and verbalize what he or she feels may be robustly defensive. The friend may lash out at the person who is trying to help. In this case, it may be best to access outside assistance and attempt to gain some distance from the situation. For example, “I realize you are mad, but you are taking it out on me. That is not fair. Can you call your sister? She may be able to help.”
Moreover, a friend who is unable to verbalize and process feelings may be out of touch with how he or she feels. This type of friend typically speaks vaguely about feelings and is rarely able to specifically identify how and what he or she feels. Cryptic statements which are difficult to decode are continually voiced. For example, “Nobody understands me and nobody ever will” or “I don’t know what I feel. It’s complicated. I’m a complicated person. You won’t understand.”
In this situation, the friend may be unconsciously creating a reality where he or she is the victim, and as such, is alleviated from the difficult work of talking through tough emotions, gleaning insight, and recovering from a difficult experience by engaging in coping mechanisms. Often, he or she attempts to blame the individual who is trying to help, causing this person to feel deficient and inadequate. Encouraging this friend to speak with a professional may be the best course of action. “I am sorry. I’m trying to be supportive, but I think this is beyond my capabilities. A therapist may be better equipped to help. Please consider calling.”
It is important to note that if a friend discloses suicidal ideation it is critical to support him or her in immediately accessing professional help. Encourage the friend to contact the national suicide hotline and find the nearest emergency department. This may save his or her life.
Possessing the tools to assist a friend to mitigate emotional pain is beneficial for both parties. The distraught friend is comforted and the person who empathizes is relieved and happy he or she is able to help. The empathic endeavor is probably reciprocated at some point, and two friends share both the joy and pain of life together. There are certain friends, however, who use a situation to place blame on a friend who is simply trying to provide support. Accessing outside help and respectfully detaching from the situation may be the healthiest option in this instance.